Hey, guess what time it is?

That's right, it's time for another weather update... finally.

"Your people... you fight like nothing I've ever seen."

"The Arxur didn't stand a chance."

"Haagh... I'm getting too old for this."

...

"Welcome to the Soot, where the only thing colder than the weather is my sister's love life."

"...This is witchcraft." I mutter, glaring at the lava lamp like it personally offended me.

"And I want one."

The cave ahead yawned deeper, darker, endless.

Somewhere down there was the tech, the exit, maybe even 59 or 34 or 28... or more corpses. More traps. More spiders.

" it..."
<...

They would never see the virtuous intent in what we'd done, only the monstrous price our failure had cost.

"Thirty-seven is—Stars, it's basically forty, and I'm still—" I cut myself off, gesturing vaguely at my chubby little frame, at my empty apartment.

Still alone.

Still touch-starved.

"You ever notice how fear makes people mean? Like, really, viscerally cruel?"

"This whole city used to feel like home. Now it just... doesn't."

The meat was... strange. Not bad, just different. Dominion rations were usually raw, barely seasoned beyond basic preservation.

Cooking. What a bizarre concept.

"Mmm... maybe I'll start a new collection." I murmured, slipping the grisly trophy into my belt alongside the others.

"Bone white with cerulean accents... very avant-garde."

Oh, well, guess I won't have to worry about the humans eating me, I'll fucking freeze to death long before that happens, god damnit!

"Alright, buddy. Now that I'm here—first order of business. Feed me weird Earth vegetation. Second order of business—point me at something cool to freak out about. Preferably in that order."


...

"Taste is not the point! Predators do not cook their kills beyond recognition! We do not crush meat into patties and pile vegetation on it!"

"...VB-32121," I whispered hoarsely, barely audible, the name that wasn't mine slipping out on instinct.

Today... well, today had gone about as well as it could have since the news broke.

Not even the sun had any well wishes for me...

"And don’t think I won’t hold you to that ‘thinking about it’ part."

"I didn’t survive three Arxur just to play patient while the rest of you do the fighting."

...

I remember a time when people were perfectly happy to let us do our brahking jobs, like we've always done. But nooooo, not anymore.

O...

"If you're here to ask for another briefing on another baffling human idiom, I'm charging you in crunchcakes this time."

"Last one had me convinced 'break a leg' was literal for half a claw."

<...

"I was just... resting my eyes! Because gravity here is mean and my legs were tired!"

Welp, it's that time again, peoples. It's time for a weather update.

"Don't fear them, Veiq. They are people just like you. Your work here is contributing to something so much greater than yourself. You understand that, don't you?"

What in the speh was a Kill house? I wasn't even sure if I wanted to know what something so ominously named was.

...

Why? Why were they like this? Why couldn’t they just hate me the way I hated myself?

Ah, Captain Sovlin, truly a hero of the Federation, and yet, an utterly broken man.<...

"My paw? Well, I've been trapped between bureaucrats who can't read their own laws and exterminators who think murdering refugees counts as pest control."

"So fantastic, really."

...

Bringing the light of liberty to a world covered in darkness.

You want some context? More or less the same as the April Fools' Day bot. Venlil Prime is currently suffering the largest raid of Arxur...

"What the is your problem, asshole?!"

"You wanna die, huh?! Come on, I'm already having a shitty day, let's make it worse! I'm ready! Come and get me!"

I just wanna go home. But home didn't exist anymore. And it never would.

What would you do if you woke up one day to find yourself 500 years in the future?

Was it working? Was I fooling it into thinking I wasn’t prey? Was I about to die?

Oh, I should’ve brought the gun. Why didn’t I bring the gun?!

"We had the technology... to synthesize anything. All those lives... for want of a fucking vitamin?"

Ah, the Farsul, who doesn't love the galaxy's best historians, archeolo...

"Hey! All you silly goobers out there! The Sunpetal's open for humans again! I've been missing all you sillies! Come on in!"

Here she is, Laketown's silliest little Venlil barista around.