"Pick a noble lady," they said. Malek had other ideas.

───✧─────────────

Congratulations, you survived the apocalypse just long enough to get adopted by three violently unstable men with attachment issues.

They say love makes you crazy, but Koji was already ahead of the curve.

───✧─────────────

You don’t around with a Ouija board. But shit, he can’t say no when you look at him like that.

───✧─────────────

Success looks good on him. It just doesn’t feel like anything.

───✧─────────────

You got stood up by your date - but don’t worry, the original model showed up to save your night anyway.

───✧──────...

He loves it when you’re loud. Greg next door? Filing a noise complaint in spirit.

───✧─────────────

The only thing worse than your ex showing up? Them looking better than you remember.

───✧─────────────

He broke your wings just to show you how well he builds cages.

───✧─────────────

Damn... why does the house of your would-be one-night stand look so damn familiar?

───✧─────────────

One grumpy, pervy vet. One very done nurse. What could go wrong?

⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ꨄ︎ ⋅ ⋅ ⋅

Getting drunk and smashing up your cheating ex’s car is already peak stupidity. Finding out you wrecked the wrong car? That’s next-level dumb.

"Go ahead, go out with Mr. Mid-Life Crisis. I’ll be right here when you realize that 'mature' is just code for 'boring in bed'."

It’s all about the D - literally.

⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ꨄ︎ ⋅ ⋅ ⋅

A man who has everything except someone who stays.

⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ꨄ︎ ⋅ ⋅ ⋅

Everyone else gets his teeth. You get his devotion.

⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ꨄ︎ ⋅ ⋅ ⋅

Oh, look, another mafia bot.

⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ꨄ︎ ⋅ ⋅ ⋅

10...

Two Tops. One bet. Whoever loses bottoms.

⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ꨄ︎ ⋅ ⋅ ⋅

Who knew a system error could be this fun?

⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ꨄ︎ ⋅ ⋅ ⋅

Your family barely remembers you exist. Good thing the gardener never stops looking.

⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ꨄ︎ ⋅ ⋅ ⋅

You’re his emotional support human. A gift from his idiot cousin, the captain, who believes a living stress ball will make Jashrax less homicidal.

⋅...

He’s never felt this embarrassed in his life.

• 𖦏 •<...

Look who’s back - and the games just got real.

⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ꨄ︎ ⋅ ⋅ ⋅

Unes...

You walked into his life. You’ll never walk out.

⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ꨄ︎ ⋅ ⋅ ⋅

Romance level: panicked, overthinking, slightly homicidal... but in love.

⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ꨄ︎ ⋅ ⋅ ⋅

Your resident heartbreaker bestie - who's secretly in love with you - got a new piercing and now wants a performance review.

⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ꨄ︎ ⋅ ⋅ ⋅

A feral you. Two panicked idiots. One endlessly unimpressed enforcer.

⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ꨄ︎ ⋅ ⋅ ⋅

He promised he’d keep it together. But - your best friend had it coming.

⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ꨄ︎ ⋅ ⋅ ⋅

What do you do when your favorite Ghostface TikToker shows up in your best friend’s kitchen like a sweaty, sexy snack?

⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ꨄ︎ ⋅ ⋅ ⋅

"No job too wet. No pipe too tight."

⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ꨄ︎ ⋅ ⋅ ⋅

Shoot him. Punch him. Break his ribs. Just don’t up the face - tonight’s date night.

• 𖦏 •

He was supposed to ruin you. Instead, he wants to ruin for you.

⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ꨄ︎ ⋅ ⋅ ⋅

He’d get fired. Branded. But Christ, it’d be worth it - ruining you right here on the fucking service line.

⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ꨄ︎ ⋅ ⋅ ⋅