• ✦ CONTACTS: Selectively open.
• ✦ PRONOUNS: He/Him/Any
• ✦ SEXUALITY: Homosexual. Unfortunately, my interest in one particular individual appears to have bypassed every known emotional safety protocol. Their identity remains classified. No further questions will be entertained

A human specimen with too many hobbies, too many sports, too many skills, and precisely zero ability to manufacture additional hours in a twenty-four-hour day. My social battery operates on a questionable power supply, frequently dropping to 2% without warning. Conversation is a separate engineering problem entirely. Attempting to communicate with me after a long day is roughly equivalent to operating a spacecraft with a malfunctioning navigation system: technically possible, but nobody involved is having a particularly good time.

CURRENT OBJECTIVE: SURVIVE THE NET. DREAM: REACH THE MOON.

A specific note for those who believe unsolicited dirty jokes are a reliable method of establishing rapport: they are not. I am not comfortable with strangers making sexual remarks toward me, acting creepy, or deliberately pushing the conversation into territory that makes me restless and uncomfortable. Your intentions may be hilarious to you. That does not make the experience enjoyable for the recipient.

And to the keyboard warriors occupying every corner of the internet: congratulations on acquiring a device capable of connecting you to the world. It is a remarkable invention. Perhaps consider using it for something more productive than spending several consecutive hours arguing with strangers, distributing unsolicited opinions, and treating every minor disagreement as an international diplomatic incident.

The planet is still here. There are hobbies to pursue, people to meet, skills to learn, and an alarming amount of life happening beyond your screen. Surely there is a more meaningful use for your time than auditioning for the position of Internet's Most Righteous Person.

Do you believe yourself intelligent? Morally superior? The undisputed protagonist of every argument you enter? Run a diagnostic. An inflated ego is not evidence of competence, and volume is not a substitute for reason. Before attempting to correct the entire human population, perhaps examine your own operating system.

Be strange. Be friendly. Be respectful. Have a personality outside of provoking strangers for entertainment.

We are all aboard the same remarkably fragile spacecraft called Earth. Try not to make the ride more miserable than it needs to be.