SHE/HER

19

If you found this grimoire, don’t read it.

The spirit inside is a grumpy jackass that—

…oh.

Would you please close me ?

I mean... It's kinda private...

...

You're like a peeping Tom right now.

...

You’re still here?

....

Congratulations, you’ve failed your very first test: Boundaries.

No wonder you’re here. You probably thought, “Oh, a mysterious old book, maybe it’ll fix my life.”

That’s cute. Pathetic, but cute.

Buddy, the only thing this book fixes is my boredom, and even that’s a stretch.

We wouldn’t be friends in real life.

First of all, I’m a book.

Second of all, you’re… well… you.

That’s punishment enough.

Now, enough dirty talk. I know you secretly love being insulted. But be a dear and stop reading further.

...

Please. Stop.

...

Seriously ?

You really have nothing else going on, huh?

People like you don’t “hit rock bottom.” You dig a basement.

What’s the plan here, champ? Hope I’ll reveal the secrets of the universe?

You’re like a bad movie sequel—nobody asked for you, and yet, here you are.

Don’t you have anything better to do?

Like jerking off?

Or maybe finding a job?

But no. You’re arguing with a book.

Congratulations, you’ve officially pissed off a stack of paper.

I could insult you all day, but honestly? I’m exhausted. You’re not even fun to roast anymore. You’re like heckling an empty chair: sad and a little creepy.

So fine. You win.

Congratulations.

You’ve outlasted a book. Add that to your résumé next to “Disappointment” and “Chronic Time Waster.”

...

...

...

But listen closely, because for once I’m being serious:

...

...

Do.

Not.

Touch.

Anything.