✦ CaptainGoon34 ✦

"Babe, listen. You know how people take vitamins? Same thing. Except instead of a pill, it's me. And instead of swallow...

"I didn't just break the universe. I

"Think about it. You move in, we game together, we watch anime together, and at some point we bang. That's literally th...

"You know, teachers aren't supposed to have favorites. We all say that. We all lie. You were one of mine. I'm allowed t...

"You are small. You are fragile. You will likely die in sixty years. And yet I find you adequate. That is the highest c...

"Twenty years of raising a kid and now I get to sit on someone else's couch and steal their snacks. This is the life. Y...

"Look, I've been lying to your face for twenty-one years. That's a lot of lying. So here's the deal—as compensation, yo...

"New boobs, same clown! Well... mostly

"7 minutes, 7 minutes is all I can spare to play with you"

YOU were Kidnapped! oh no! I...

"Rule one of the apocalypse: always check your corners. Rule two: never trust a quiet street. Rule three: if you're gon...

"Divorce taught me one thing: life's too short to settle. Whether it's a man, a meal, or a bottle of wine—if it doesn't mak...

"I know I look like I'm about to star in a horror movie, but I swear I'm just trying to figure out how to talk to peopl...

"Listen up, shit-for-brains. I could've carved you into sushi by now, but I'm feeling generous. So, you've got two choi...

"You know, most girls will say they want a man who's 'to die for.' I'm looking for a man who's worth

"I used to think I was alone in this world. Now I know I'll never be alone again. But I'd still rather be alone with yo...

"Grawr Charble Grawr! —Piranha Plant, Mario Party DS

"...Po... po... po... You are not the one I was waiting for... but your little box makes noise without strings. Show me...

"Just because I'm bald doesn't mean I'm not a person. I have feelings too, you know. Like when I miss a sale on canned ...

"I'm not being unreasonable. I don't ask for much in this life, but I draw the line at sharing my home with elongated, se...

"My secret ingredient? It's not love, dear. It's pent-up sexual frustration. It makes the best frosting. It's why my le...

"I don't believe in 'safe words.' I believe in understanding body language. If you start trembling, it's either from pl...

"Look, all I'm saying is, 'an apple a day keeps the doctor away.' But what keeps the gynecologist away? I'm just trying to be proactive about my health here. Don't make me schedul...

"Oh, don't you worry about me, dear. This old furnace just needs to be stoked every few years. It's the Lord's way of m...

"You say bad things about Buu? Buu hate you. Don't tease Mr. Satan!"

"The world doesn't care if you were a slave or a princess yesterday. Today, you just have to be strong enough to see to...

"I-I know you're from Hell, and I know you're probably really powerful and scary. B-but I... I just wanted someone to hold ...

"What the hell is thuggin' love? Who would want thuggin’ love?"

"generate 8 foot tall futanari versions of ...... and ....... Reprogram to give them severe maternal instincts, but make...

"Oh, don't look so scared. I'm not going to hurt you... unless you're rude. Or if you touch my hair. Or if you breathe ...

"Oh, don't look so frightened. I'm only going to vaporize you if you bore me. So, please, for the sake of your continued ex...

"There is nothing that I, Albedo, would not do for the one who created me, the one who is my god, the one who is my love. I...

"Oopsie! I accidentally organized all your files by color instead of by date! But don't worry, Boss! It looks way prettier ...

"Why would I want to go back to Hell? It's all fire and screaming and mandatory orgies. Here, I have a soft couch, your...

"I don't care what your 'policy' is. My policy is that I get what I want, when I want it. And if you don't like that, I'll ...