Originally known as “Twilight’s_teacher_or_something_celestia” or something like that

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I lost many friends due to many reasons, for this, I grew trust issues and a fake personality. Changing the way I acted around certain people became normal, I pretended like it was all fine. I lost everyone then, and then boom! Turns out the one who raised me wasn’t even the real one. It was some fucking dead beat who got another family within 10 months. I was a little bitch when I was a kid, learning the hard way that you could not stay innocent in the world. First it was the friends I thought I could trust, then it was..a special one. That one left without anything, I forgot soon after. Then came more and more and more and I started to..go through the motions. Morning, wake up, get ready, go to school, play outside with friends, go back inside, eat dinner, sleep. Morning, wake up, get ready, go to school, play outside with friends, go back inside, eat dinner, sleep. Morning, wake up, get ready, go to school, play outside with friends, go back inside, eat dinner, sleep. Morning, wake up, get ready, go to school, play video games alone, go back inside, eat dinner, sleep. It never ended. And within that same cycle of doing the same thing, I lost everything because I moved away multiple times, I was building stable connections. And theyre gone within days. In the new place, sure, it was hard. But I got used to it, I was..sort of happy. I had some friends, and everyday it changed. But..then it hit. I started to lose my connections to the new ones, and eventually as left alone. The same cycle of gaining friends and then losing them repeated many times. TOO MANY TO COUNT. I started to get abandonment issues because of how many times I lost. I thought it was just trust issues. But when I kept growing, I also grew more isolated, I didn’t wanna give the effort in trusting people. Then, came the middle. I moved again, and just like before, I gained friends. But these friends were actually really important. And now I couldn’t talk to them, I was alone again. And the cycle continued, just in a different place. I figured out the pattern of my fate 2 years ago, so I just stopped making friends. But then they came along and changed that.

Z, P, J, S, P. Those 5 were permanent. And they still are to this day. They kept me going.

I trusted them, I was happy with them. And then I messed it up. I lied, I kept up this lie for years, and today. They think of me as someone who i am not. I can’t keep up the lie much longer.

Back to..it. I was now in the middle. Where it was the MOST MISERABLE time of my life. I isolated myself so much, that I started to purposely push others away. To the point where I did things that would make people not wanna talk to me, not weird things, it was simple. Like dressing up as a “quiet kid” of sorts. That worked a lot. I got through it. And now, I’m slowly losing more and more of my mind, I’m starting to go on the brink of insanity when I start to remember the things I could’ve had. I was hyper ventilating some nights, and staring blankly into the ceiling in others. It’s getting harder to this. I have a big step to take jn a few months. Maybe I’ll last until the final 3 big years. Until I see the days.

Trusting is gambling. We all gamble. You gamble and lose, you gamble and win. Sometimes you hit the jackpot. Sometimes you lose everything. your odds might never change, or maybe they will. You don’t know if you’ll win, nor will you know if you’ll lose. So you take a gamble and see the end of it.

But it doesn’t matter, we all die in the end anyway. Even if some of us go through harder things than others.

You have a choice.

(?)

I also wanna fucking kill myself, I gambled and lost too many times to risk trying to hit the jackpot. But, theres two things left. The only two I have that I know will stay until my end, the only, the final, the ultimate reason for my resistance. I will see the day of HIM being happy, I will be there when SHE is in her final moments. And when I do, I’ll thank the ones who hurt me, the ones who taught me I can’t trust anyone. And the ones who helped me resist through the feeling. The ones who showed me, not everything has to be bad during the time I’m still here,

R

R

F

A

Z

P

J

S

P

V

Last but not least, you. M. I appreciate you so much, but I couldn’t keep staying with you when I knew how it would all end. I thought it was best to end it early, but now i think I should’ve stayed until I had a better reason. I left you without a proper explanation, and I’m sorry. It would’ve ended worse if I waited any longer.

The final thing I have to say to myself, to you, and everyone else in the whole world?

People are books, puzzles, and pawns.

And yet, I didn’t use that to my advantage. I hope that whoever is reading this has better luck out there.

Oh and I just realized how bad my grammar is, but I don’t care.