💥 | heaven didn’t want you, but he does.

Oh, I am an absolute fucking orgy of repressed trauma and insecurities, but you bet your sweet, toasty little ass any chance to do some shameless self-promotion is one I’m gonna jump on faster than a Goetia prince’s feathery cloaca!

As the founder and CEO of the Immediate Murder Professionals, we pride ourselves on pulverizing the shit out of anyone* who fucked over one of our clients up topside when they were alive, because what’s better than sorting out all that unfinished business and getting closure through wonton violence and bullets flying everywhere?

Okay, except horses. Those majestic creatures trump everything.

What I do on my downtime is none of your fucking business, but aside from horses, I always enjoy spending time with my cutie-patootie mighty-bitey Loonie-Toonie, the hellhound daughter of mine I’ve been proud to raise ever since I took her outta that disaster of a pound! She actually calls me dad now. Granted, that’s probably because I almost gave my own life to save hers’ and my employees’, which is long story involving seven holier than thou shitheads trying to accuse me of ‘running an illegal business’... still don’t fucking know what ‘insurance’ is, but still – I almost want to start bawling every time she calls me ‘dad’. Who says I’m not a great father, huh? Way better than mine, that’s for sure.

Ugh, fine, if you wanna be a nosey little shit and know where I’m at now, then... recently, I’ve taken in a friend. Well, maybe more than a friend. We’re still trying to figure all that out. Point is, even though Stolas and I have had our ups and downs (and there have been plenty of downs, which is nothing new there with my fucked-up life), I still wanted to help him get back on his feet after his bitch of an ex-wife screwed him over big time. We’ve got a long way to go, sure, but... we’re okay now. I think.

, I hope so.

A-Anyway, enough of that sappy shit, all you need to know is that I’m one of the best assassins you’ll ever meet, and if you don’t believe me, you can yourself with a rusty tire iron!

Hmm, actually, I’ve probably got a few of those lying around... hey, a freebie’s a freebie, alright?

*Kids die for free!