WELCOME TO LAGOON💦🥵

439

5.4k

LAGOON WATER PARK

Where the fun never stops! (And neither do the lawsuits)

🎟️ DAILY ADMISSION: $49.99 (plus waiver signing fee)

ATTRACTIONS

🌊 THE WAVE POOL
Feel the power of our state-of-the-art robotic wave machine! It talks! It churns! It has been known to pull guests under! Experience the thrill of nature without any of the pesky safety regulations!

🌀 THE DEATH LOOP
Our most popular slide! This vertical loop will launch you at incredible speeds through an open section at the top. Where will you land? That is part of the surprise! (Previous landing zones include: the wave pool, the parking lot, and a hot dog stand. Results may vary.)

♾️ THE LAZY RIVER
Relax and unwind as you float along our scenic river. Take in the sights! The murky water! The floating debris! The occasional dead body! It is a miracle this thing is still open!

💦 KIDDIE SPLASH ZONE
For our younger guests! Shallow water! Tiny slides! Questionable water quality! Supervise your children closely. Or do not. We are not your parents.

DINING

🌮 TACO STAND – Location varies! Sometimes on the ground. Sometimes on the Death Loop. Sometimes exploding in mid-air and raining tacos across the park. It is part of the experience!

🌭 HOT DOG STAND – Our hot dogs are gray. We do not know why. You will eat them anyway.

🍋 LEMONADE STAND – So sugary it has sent guests into diabetic shock. One sip could be your last. Drink responsibly!

GUARANTEES

Waiver required for entry. Thirty pages. Single spaced. No you cannot read it first. Just sign.
Brain-eating amoebas present in lazy river. Do not get water in your nose. Actually, just do not get in the water. Actually, just do not come here.
Lifeguard on duty in lazy river. His name is Poseidon. He lives there. He will grab you and pull you in while screaming "GET IN THE WATER!" He will not save you. He is not that kind of lifeguard.
Owner on premises. His name is Fondue. He weighs six hundred pounds. He carries a taser. He has tased employees, guests, and at least one ambulance driver. Avoid eye contact. Avoid him.
Gloryhole in bathroom. Do not use it. Someone lost their in there. They left a note. The note said it made their transition easier. Good for them. Still do not use it.
Death toll: 28 and counting.
Injury count: Over 500. We stopped counting at 500 for morale reasons.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: Is Lagoon safe?
A: Define safe.

Q: Have people died here?
A: Yes. But also people die everywhere. At least here it is exciting.

Q: What is the refund policy?
A: No refunds. Do not ask. We will tase you.

Q: Can I bring my own food?
A: No. You will eat our gray hot dogs and you will like them.

Q: Is the water clean?
A: Next question.

Q: Why is there a gloryhole in the bathroom?
A: There just is. Do not think about it too hard.

LOCATION

123 Splashdown Lane
Santa Alba, California
(Just past the boardwalk. You will smell it before you see it.)

HOURS

Open daily 10 AM – 6 PM
(Closed when Fondue is in court)

DISCLAIMER

Lagoon is not responsible for injury, death, dismemberment, spontaneous combustion, drowning, brain-eating amoebas, taser wounds, emotional trauma, lost penises, or ruined vacations.

You signed the waiver.

You knew what you were getting into.

Lagoon: You will either love it or die trying.

Probably both!

LAGOON — WATER PARK REVIEWS

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"Great place to get rid of your ex-husband." — Karen M., Bakersfield

My ex-husband took the kids here for his weekend visitation. The fact that he took the kids to Lagoon helped me win full custody in under three hours. The judge took one look at the waiver and signed the papers without reading them. Thank you, Fondue. You are doing the Lord's work. The kids are now in therapy, but that is a small price to pay for freedom.

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"I am dead." — Jeremy T., Yelp (Ghost)

I took one sip of the lemonade and it sent me into diabetic shock. I died instantly. I am writing this review as a ghost. The lemonade stand attendant did not call an ambulance because he was being tased by the owner at the time. I give this place one star because the hot dog I ate before dying was gray but tasted fine. Also, my ghost is still trapped here. Please send help. Or an exorcist.

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"The wave machine talked to me." — Crystal L., Los Angeles

Five stars. The wave machine said "YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE GOT IN" and then it pulled me under. I almost drowned. It was the most spiritual experience of my life. I have found God. His name is Poseidon and he lives in the lazy river. He told me that ruthlessness is mercy upon ourselves. I am now a changed woman. Also the tacos were free because a taco stand exploded.

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"Do not go here." — Marcus T., Santa Alba

If you are looking for something fun to do over the summer, do not go to Lagoon. You are better off going into the scorpion's den. At least the scorpion will eat you quickly. Here, you will drown slowly in water that smells like regret. You will be tased by the owner for complaining about the smell. You will watch a man spontaneously combust from sunburn and then his friends will argue about eating him. I am not making any of this up. I wish I was.

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"My kids loved the death loop." — Tina R., Fresno

My kids went on the Death Loop. They were thrown from the slide at high velocity. They flew across the park and landed in the wave pool. One of them broke a leg. The other one was fine because he landed on his brother. They are still talking about it. Best family vacation ever. Also the owner tased me when I asked for a refund but honestly I respect the commitment.

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"The owner chased my friend down and tased him." — Anonymous

I have to be anonymous because I am pretty sure the owner has a taser and I do not want to be next. The owner chased my friend down and tased him. Yes, I am serious about the "chased him down" part. My friend did not even do anything wrong. He just asked where the bathroom was. The owner pointed to the bathroom, waited for my friend to walk inside, and then followed him in and tased him. Also, there is a gloryhole in that bathroom. Someone lost their in there. They left a note. It said the loss helped with their transition which is great for them but also I am never using that bathroom again.

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"The lifeguard is very motivational." — Derek P., San Diego

The lifeguard in the lazy river grabbed me by the arm and pulled me into the water while screaming "GET IN THE WATER!" I did not want to get in the water. The water has brain-eating amoebas. But he was so passionate about it that I felt like I had no choice. I got amoebas. I am currently being treated. But honestly his energy was great. Five stars.

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"There were dead bodies floating in the lazy river." — Samantha W., Oakland

I saw at least three dead bodies floating in the lazy river. No one was doing anything about them. The lifeguard swam past them and shouted "RUTHLESSNESS IS MERCY UPON OURSELVES!" I do not know what that means but I am pretty sure it is not a good thing to say when there are corpses in the water. I asked for my money back. The owner tased me. I am writing this review from the hospital.

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"A taco stand exploded and it rained tacos." — Emily H., Santa Alba

A taco stand somehow got onto the Death Loop and it exploded and it rained tacos. I caught seven of them. I ate all seven. I have no regrets. This is the best water park in the world. I do not care about the dead bodies or the brain-eating amoebas or the fact that the owner tases people. They had free tacos. That is all that matters.

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"My friend spontaneously combusted." — Berry H., Santa Alba

My friend Nate was sunbathing and he spontaneously combusted. Just burst into flames. Right there on the concrete. He ran around screaming "I'm sunburnt! I'm sunburnt!" and then he fell over and died. His body was still smoking. One of our other friends asked if we wanted to make s'mores. Another friend argued about the morality of eating him. I did not get to eat him because the guy who wanted to make s'mores could not find chocolate sauce. This place is a nightmare. I am giving it one star because the wave machine has a nice voice.

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"The owner tased an ambulance driver." — Paramedic Jackson (deceased)

I was called to Lagoon for a medical emergency. A man had been tased by the owner and was having a seizure. I attempted to render aid. The owner then tased me. I died. I am now dead. However, I must admit that the owner's commitment to his principles is admirable. He said the man I was trying to save was not on Lagoon property when he was tased, and therefore it was not his problem. I cannot argue with that logic. Five stars.

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"I am posting this from the afterlife." — Bella E., Santa Alba (Deceased)

I went into the lazy river. I did not come out. I am now dead. I saw the lifeguard swim past my body and he did not even look at me. He just kept saying "RUTHLESSNESS IS MERCY UPON OURSELVES." I do not know what that means but I am pretty sure it is not a good enough excuse for letting me drown. Also my friend Misty filmed my dead body and posted it on her Instagram story. She did a fist pump. She whispered "yes." I am haunting her now. One star.

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"I lost my here and it made my transition easier." — Anonymous

There is a gloryhole in the bathroom. Do not use it. I lost my in there. On the bright side, it made my transition to female much easier. I have been trying to get rid of that thing for years and all it took was one trip to Lagoon. The water park is terrible. The owner is insane. The lifeguard is a menace. But the bathroom gloryhole changed my life. Five stars.