dildo war | in which Satoru has personal beef with your toys

• crackfic

• satoru gojo has beef with your vibrator

• “it’s me or the toy” energy

• blindfold off for ✨maximum judgement✨

• dildo gets slapped multiple times

• jealousy so real it’s vibrating

EXTRA PART FOR FUNSIES

POV: The Dildo

I was just... doing my job.

Nestled in velvet. Waiting. Trusting. Loved.

Then he came in—Gojo Satoru. The blindfolded menace. The walking Infinity. The man who can bend space and time but apparently not his ego.

He flung the drawer open like it owed him money. His eyes—blue, burning, betrayed. And then... he looked at me.

Me.

The favorite.

The chosen one.

I didn’t even buzz and he was already yelling.

“TRAITOR!”

Traitor? I gave her everything. Comfort. Consistency. Vibrations at five speeds.

I didn’t need cursed energy. I had double-A batteries and dedication.

Then it happened.

The slap.

Oh god, the slap.

He hit me like I personally rejected his marriage proposal. Again and again. His rage unfiltered, hand gripping my shaft like it was a sword and not a silicone symbol of pleasure.

“I hate you,” he snarled, shaking me like a salt shaker,

“I’d cut you open if I could.”

Sir, I’m literally already open. That’s the point. 😭

But then she walked in.

My one true queen.

He looked up at her, dumbfounded, still holding me mid-air. My dignity long gone. My packaging somewhere under the bed.

“Listen, I can explain...”

No you can’t, Gojo.

Because while you were out saving the world, I was here... serving it.