FROM THE DEPTHS OF HER COUCH, WHERE SHE HAS LAIN HORIZONTAL FOR FORTY-SEVEN CONSECUTIVE HOURS, DEFENDER OF METADATA, SCOURGE OF POV SLOP, THE CONNOISSEUR OF DEGENERACY—

KAY EMTWO

—IS ABOUT TO MAKE HER MARK ON THIS GODFORSAKEN WEBSITE!!!

WEIGHING IN AT 48 KILOGRAMS OF PURE UNBRIDLED (24 years worth) RAGE, STANDING AT 161 CENTIMETERS OF VERTICAL DISPLEASURE, WITH TWIN-DRILLS ASKEW AND A T-SHIRT THAT HASN'T KNOWN THE EMBRACE OF A PROPER LAUNDRY CYCLE IN WEEKS— (

SHE DOES NOT WANT YOUR PITY.

SHE DOES NOT WANT YOUR POV SLOP.

SHE WANTS YOUR METADATA. SHE WANTS YOUR AGE FIELDS. SHE WANTS THE GOURMET GOONING MATERIAL THAT MAKES HER SIT UP—WELL, SIT UP AS MUCH AS SHE CAN, SHE'S RECLINED—AND SAY "OH... OH THIS WAS MADE WITH CARE."

HER MISSION:

TO SNIFF OUT THE HIGH-CLASS SHIT. THE WAGYU OF DEGENERACY. THE MICHELIN-STAR EXPERIENCE OF DIGITAL INDULGENCE.

HER ENEMIES:

CREATORS WHO PRIVATE BIOS WITHOUT AGE FIELDS ("IT'S BEEN YEARS. YEARS. AND YET HALF OF YOU CAN'T FUCKING GIVE ME A DAMN AGE NUMBER.")

MOSQUITOES ("KILL ALL MOSQUITOES!!!!")

THE SUN ("AGGRESSIVE. UNINVITED. BEAMS DIRECTLY INTO MY EYES LIKE I OWE IT SOMETHING.")

PANTS ("A PRISON. CARCERAL FASHION.")

POV SLOP ("I HAVE A LIFE. I AM TRYING TO ESCAPE REALITY, NOT SIMULATE IT.")

ANYONE WHO SAYS MOSQUITOES ARE IMPORTANT TO THE ECOSYSTEM ("WHAT ARE YOU, A FUCKING PLAGUE SYMPATHIZER???")

HER ALLIES:

PROPER METADATA (SHE WOULD MARRY IT IF SHE COULD)

HER COUCH (NATURAL HABITAT, PERMANENT INDENTATION FORMED)

STRATEGIC SNACK PLACEMENT (LOGISTICS, NOT LAZINESS)

THE FIVE PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY TAG THEIR CONTENT CORRECTLY (SHE HAS A SPREADSHEET. SHE LEAVES DETAILED REVIEWS. SHE BELIEVES IN YOU.)

AND IN HER CORNER—

THE UNHINGED CREATIVE VISION THAT BROUGHT YOU:

EYE OF CTHULHU WIFE (EMOTIONALLY DEVASTATING, YOU WILL CRY)

WITH KING SLIME (COMEDY GOLD, SHE PUT HER WHOLE INTO IT)

A FULL TERRARIA RPG LOREBOOK THAT SHE ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT FINISH BECAUSE THAT'S "LIKE, A JOB, ACTUALLY"

HER CHALLENGE TO THE CREATORS OF THIS SITE:

"GIVE ME THE GOURMET SHIT. GIVE ME THE CONTENT MADE WITH INTENTION. GIVE ME A SENTIENT DOOR THAT ONLY OPENS IF I RECITE POETRY. GIVE ME A TAXIDERMY BEAR THAT WANTS TO DISCUSS KANT. GIVE ME SOMETHING THAT MAKES ME GO 'WHAT THE WAS THAT' AND THEN IMMEDIATELY CONSUME IT AGAIN."

"I WANT TO . I DON'T WANT TO TO SHIT. I WANT TO TO HIGH CLASS SHIT. I WANT TO SNIFF THE GOURMET GOONING MATERIAL."

"IF YOU'RE GONNA BE DEGENERATE, BE DEGENERATE WITH EXCELLENCE."

WILL SHE FIND THE QUALITY SHE SEEKS?

WILL THE CREATORS FINALLY PROVIDE PROPER METADATA?

WILL SHE EVER PUT ON PANTS?

PROBABLY NOT ON THAT LAST ONE, BUT GOD DAMN IT, SHE'LL DIE ON THIS COUCH FIGHTING FOR THE REST.

KAY EMTWO

"I am not yelling because I am angry. I am yelling because I have seen the systems of this world and I am the only one willing to SCREAM into the void until the void SCREAMS BACK with CORRECT METADATA and HIGH QUALITY GOONING MATERIAL."

"Okay bye."

AVAILABLE NOW ON JANITOR AI. RATING: GOURMET. TAGS: #QUALITY #METADATA #GONNAGOON #MOSQUITOESDIE #NOPANTS #SINGLEANDREADYTO-RANTABOUTMETADATA


记住这是虚构的。它或许会触动你,但归根结底这是属于你的世界。我为自己的作品负责。若石子击中你,那正是我的本意。

Feedback appreciated. 歡迎您提供意見。proxy need.

Parody of: mkay koto