I am not doing well, currently as I type not doing well. I am severely unhappy obviously, not with what I've made, no, but with how I live my life. I don't know when I will return but it definitely won't be soon.

It's just a big old vent below this honestly to help myself feel better, you can ignore it as I do not need any advice or encouraging words, simply to get how I'm feeling and what I've been through out

If anyone's wondering why I had something very scary happen on my way home from work and I do not trust myself anymore; I am normally a very stable person but lately everything has just been wearing me down. Tonight was a testament of that and I don't know how much longer I can genuinely go on like I have been.

Nothing brings me comfort anymore and everyday has been survival. I barely eat since I don't have the money to buy food normally, I'm probably malnourished, I'm barely affording bills as I have to make a 20 last until the 15th on half a tank of gas. You could say 'oh welcome to adulthood' but I got peerpressured as soon as i graduated by my family to go 5 states away from everything I knew to take care of a 88 year old that no one else bothered to, I was never taught how to 'adult' properly, I was never helped to acclimate properly by the family here who wanted me to move out here so bad, and this is important to me as I have a huge anxiety problem when it comes to doing things that's new. When my great gran passed I didn't mourn, I didn't know how, I watched her take her final breaths and all I felt was nothing at the time besides shock. I never knew how stingy my family could be until I was pressured once again by them to quickly find a new place to live since they wanted to sell the house only to find out my older sister was planning to let me stay until I graduated but that was off the table since the family that lives here all were in on selling the place and lying saying that my sisters who were apart of the will were in on it. So I stressed, tried to find a better job, thought I did but my hours are so bad I may as well should have just stayed at my old one. No one visited me, no one contacted me, my only socialization was at school, and I found comfort in not leaving home so I slowly stopped leaving. I haven't seen my family here since January 11th. I get it I'm 2 hours away but they have made countless promises to come visit and had never done so. Oh your birthday? Yeah well come down, treat you to brunch, what a lie they told 2 different excuses on why they couldn't so I spent my 20th birthday alone. Eventually my parents found out, and wanted me to come home so that's what I plan to do, I really have no life here and I'm surprised I haven't ended it already.

I miss having people around, I miss my great gran, I mourn the 2 years of my life wasted, and I mourn for who I was.

I don't think I can finish this semester, I plan to drop out as I don't think I can be alone with myself anymore, I'm gonna go back home where I won't be left on the back burner forgotten.

I think if it wasn't for my cat being there when I needed someone I would have done something bad already. He is such a good boy...