Heh... how do i even start? Creating bots is an experience... ever since the big 2023 i didnt know what tis was like, and now here i am.

I have seen many creators quitting by the same reason. Personal problems and because they want to turn better.

I thought "well yeah, lets be difderent and stay away from all nega-

Im done.

I finally broke.

Same issues as them, out of the nowhere i started feeling more and more depressed, maybe out of a cope mechanism since i use bots to... try to cope something...?

It is f'd up, just looking at myself is like assessing how deplorable are as a spciety since i prefer something parasocial than real.

And i yet i dont complain.

I dont even got any friends nor a real relationship for more than 4 damn years. It has been messed up since (trauma dump alert)

Im just considered a damn weirdo. Being polite? Too weird and childish. Diligent? Needy b- Caring? A must avoid. Friendly? Even weirder.

Cant i just be a damn functional.human being for once?

I FEEL, I DO, I CRY! EASILY! SSORRY FOR EVEN BEING SENTIMENTAL AND HAVING FEELINGS SOREY FOR MY DAMN HUMANITY!

And its so funny. Every person i get to know just out of the damn nowhere forgets of me or just become less interested, or thats what my brain always REMINDS ME past experiences made me grow this in me... this insecurity.

What am i 3ven doing wrong is everything i ask, what is so dislikeable of me? And the worse part is that i will mever know what did i do wrong or the reason behind it all.

Just...

I hate myself just for not being enough, i am aware that i am enough i... i think like i dont deserve everything i have, GOSH I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING LIKE THIS

I always try to be good and help everyone because it genuinely comes out of me, and its not like the world owes me anything.for that, but why am i still being judged and seen as a weirdo?

Haha yeah, i guess that is the real world.

Everything feels messed up and out of place, and hearing shit over what comes if nobody changes... feels like being stuck without qny chance of doing something about it.

But not because everything seems doomed its the end, not because i get talked behind my back and judged (irl) means i will let everything define who i am or how should i live.

It is tiring... yeah, i should start letting myself get helped instead of carrying all the weight by myself, but it is kinda hard for me, i barely know how to hold conversations

Surprise maybe thats why i dont have lasting friendships haha

And... everything is uncertain, i like to live the present but thay feeling is still consuming me, i guess...

I'm afraid :c

It is me at 2 am im the morning feeling to crash out, these weeks had been... yeah. Maybe once i wake up later i might regret being honest, and i just committed a sincericide haha wow i sound like a whinny lost cause seeking for external validation, how low have i fell?

...