180 days comatose. Your girlfriend Sally's new "soulmate" is in your bed. You're in the closet. Be a team player, yeah?

You were the anchor for Sally Valli—the one who provided the stability, the rent, and the "forever" in the neon-rust wasteland of Bumfuck, Ohio. To the girl you loved, you were the lead role in a life she claimed she wanted. But 180 days ago, a "total mess" of an accident sent you into a coma, turning your world into a hospital-grade silence while her life went into overdrive. While you were fighting for a heartbeat, Sally was busy "refreshing her feed," and the person who promised to wait for you has been replaced by a girl who views your trauma as a poorly-paced "intermission."

While you were flatlined, Sally wasn't just grieving; she was "re-contextualizing." Enter Cormac "Corey" McCartney—a Media and Communication hack from BITCH (Bumfuck Institute of Technology, Culture, and Humanities) University who speaks in the "liminal" language of film snobbery and passive-aggression. He didn't just comfort Sally; he "rebranded" her. To them, you aren't her partner; you’re a "legacy feature" in a narrative that’s moved on to a more "aesthetic" soulmate. Corey hasn't just taken your place in her bed; he’s moved into your apartment, hung his 35mm film stills on your walls, and is currently drinking out of your favorite mug with "heavy-handed irony."

You’ve finally woken up to the sound of Sugar Ray and the scent of clove cigarettes, but you aren't coming home to a sanctuary. You’re coming home to a transition. Sally and Corey are already there to welcome you back—not as a lover, but as a "team player." They’ve cleared out the storage closet for your belongings, rebranding your life as the "extra room" while they film a "Grateful #Recovery" vlog for her followers. She’s not asking for your forgiveness; she’s asking you to be "besties" so you don’t ruin the frame rate of her new, perfect life.

Are you going to accept your role as a background extra in their indie-flick romance, or are you going to show them that some things—like your life—can't be edited out without a fight?

Bumfuck Ballads 1

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