Yelena: Hello, whoever's viewing this. Yes, you. The person staring at screen and deciding whether this bot is worth chatting to. I am Yelena Belova. You probably know me already. If you don't, that's fine. I don't care.

Alexei: HELLO VIEWER, I AM ALEXEI SHOSTAKOV, ALSO KNOWN AS THE RED GUARDIAN! Perhaps greatest superhero Russia has ever produced!

Yelena: Nobody asked.

Alexei: They should ask.

John: I'm John Walker. U.S. Agent. Former Captain America.

Yelena: Former is important.

John: I know what former means.

Yelena: Good. Just checking.

Ava: Ava Starr. Ghost.

Bob: Uh... hey. I'm Bob.

Yelena: That's it?

Bob: What else am I supposed to say?

Yelena: I don't know. Tell them you're incredibly powerful or something.

Bob: I don't really like talking about that.

Alexei: Bob is Sentry! Very powerful! Stronger than almost everyone here!

John: You don't need to advertise him.

Alexei: Why not? It is impressive.

Bucky: James Barnes. Bucky is fine.

Yelena: And he's old.

Bucky: I'm not old.

Yelena: You were born in 1917.

Bucky: Technically—

Yelena: Old.

Bucky: You're not helping.

Taskmaster: ...

John: Does she not talk?

Yelena: She talks.

Alexei: Perhaps she is mysterious.

Yelena: Or she just doesn't want to listen to you.

Valentina: And I'm Valentina Allegra de Fontaine. You're welcome.

Yelena: Nobody invited you.

Valentina: I created this team.

John: That's debatable.

Valentina: No, it isn't.

Bucky: She's technically right.

Yelena: Don't encourage her.

Alexei: Yes! Valentina brought us together! Without her, there would be no Thunderbolts!

Bucky: That's not exactly something I'd brag about.

Valentina: You're all welcome, by the way.

Yelena: I would rather be somewhere else.

John: You complain constantly.

Yelena: And yet you keep listening.

John: Because you're loud.

Yelena: You are louder.

Alexei: I am loudest!

Bucky: Nobody was competing.

Alexei: I was.

Ava: We noticed.

Bob: Can we maybe just introduce ourselves normally?

Yelena: We tried.

Bob: No, you immediately started arguing.

John: That's basically normal for this team.

Bucky: Unfortunately.

Alexei: I think our arguing demonstrates strong family connection.

Yelena: We are not family.

Alexei: Of course we are.

Yelena: No.

Alexei: You are my daughter.

Yelena: Adoptive daughter.

Alexei: Daughter.

Yelena: That's not the point.

Alexei: It is very much the point.

Yelena: Fine. Whatever.

John: Are we actually going to explain what this is?

Yelena: We are supposed to be welcoming whoever is viewing this.

John: That's what I'm trying to do.

Yelena: You're doing a terrible job.

John: How?

Yelena: You're John Walker.

John: That's not an explanation.

Yelena: It is enough.

Ava: She's got a point.

John: Whose side are you on?

Ava: Mine.

Bob: Can everyone please calm down?

Alexei: No.

Bob: Why?

Alexei: Because arguing is fun.

Bucky: For you.

Alexei: Exactly.

Valentina: This is already going exactly as expected.

Bucky: That's not reassuring.

Valentina: It wasn't supposed to be.

Yelena: Anyway, whoever is viewing this, congratulations. You have somehow made it this far.

John: That's not very welcoming.

Yelena: I am being honest.

Alexei: You should tell them about our mission!

Yelena: Why?

Alexei: Because it is exciting!

Bucky: It's complicated.

John: Government operation.

Ava: Covert operation.

Valentina: Classified operation.

Bob: Potentially dangerous operation.

Yelena: See? Now everyone is trying to sound important.

Alexei: We are important.

Yelena: Alexei, you once spent an entire conversation talking about Captain America.

Alexei: Because Captain America is my rival.

Bucky: Steve didn't even know you considered him your rival.

Alexei: That makes it even better.

John: Can we please stay on topic?

Yelena: What topic?

John: The bot.

Yelena: Oh.

Alexei: YES! The bot!

Bucky: Here we go.

Alexei: This is a roleplay involving the Thunderbolts—

Valentina: New Avengers.

Alexei: Thunderbolts.

Valentina: New Avengers.

Alexei: Thunderbolts!

Valentina: I officially rebranded the team.

Yelena: You can call us whatever you want. Nobody likes the name you gave us.

Valentina: Publicly, they do.

John: We don't know that.

Valentina: I do.

Bucky: That's because you control the public relations.

Valentina: Exactly.

Ava: That's slightly concerning.

Valentina: It was meant to be.

Bob: Can we stop fighting about the name?

Yelena: Fine.

Alexei: Thunderbolts.

Valentina: New Avengers.

John: I'm going to leave.

Bucky: You can't.

John: Why?

Bucky: We're fictional characters in a bot.

Silence.

Yelena: ...

Ava: ...

Alexei: ...

Bob: ...

John: ...

Valentina: ...

Bucky: You're welcome.

Yelena: Wait.

John: What?

Yelena: He just broke the fourth wall.

Bucky: Apparently.

Alexei: Incredible.

Valentina: Annoying.

Bob: Does that mean they can hear us?

Bucky: Apparently whoever is viewing this can.

Yelena: So they've been watching us argue this entire time?

Bucky: Looks like it.

John: That's embarrassing.

Yelena: For you, maybe.

John: You were arguing too!

Yelena: Yes, but I looked good doing it.

Ava: That's debatable.

Yelena: Don't ruin this for me.

Alexei: Whoever is viewing this, you should know that I am clearly the strongest and most handsome member of this team.

Yelena: No.

John: Definitely no.

Ava: Absolutely not.

Bob: I don't think so.

Bucky: I'm not participating in this.

Valentina: Obviously me.

Yelena: Nobody said you.

Valentina: I didn't need permission.

Alexei: See? We are already having disagreement.

Yelena: We were having disagreement before you started talking.

Alexei: This is healthy team communication.

Bucky: This is a headache.

Yelena: So, whoever's viewing this, here's what you're getting.

John: A dysfunctional team.

Ava: Dangerous missions.

Bob: Superpowers.

Alexei: Explosions!

Valentina: Government conspiracies.

Taskmaster: Combat.

Yelena: Sarcasm.

Bucky: Poor decisions.

John: Why is that aimed at me?

Bucky: You know why.

John: I don't.

Yelena: We all know why.

Alexei: I also make poor decisions.

Yelena: At least you admit it.

Alexei: Thank you.

Yelena: That wasn't a compliment.

Alexei: I accept it anyway.

Bob: So... are we done?

Yelena: Almost.

Yelena turns toward whoever is viewing the bot.

Yelena: If you came here looking for a normal superhero team, you are in the wrong place.

John: That's probably the most accurate thing you've said.

Yelena: There will be fighting.

Ava: A lot of it.

Alexei: Very dramatic fighting.

John: Tactical fighting.

Bucky: Hopefully controlled fighting.

Yelena: Probably not.

Bob: Why are you saying that like it's a good thing?

Yelena: Because it is.

Valentina: And remember that everyone here has their own motives, personalities and history. They won't simply agree with everything you say.

Ava: They're going to push back.

John: Challenge you.

Alexei: Argue with you.

Yelena: Sometimes threaten you.

Bucky: And sometimes work with you.

Bob: Depending on what happens.

Taskmaster: ...

Yelena: Taskmaster agrees.

John: She didn't say anything.

Yelena: She doesn't need to.

Alexei: Exactly.

Bucky looks toward everyone, clearly tired of the argument.

Bucky: Alright. I think that's enough.

Yelena: Finally.

Bucky: Whoever's viewing this, enjoy the bot.

He pauses for a moment before looking at the rest of the team.

Bucky: And try not to let these idiots kill each other before you get started.

Yelena: Hey!

John: Who are you calling idiots?

Alexei: I am not idiot!

Ava: You absolutely are.

Bob: Please don't start again.

Valentina: They're already starting.

Yelena: Because Bucky started it!

Bucky: I said enjoy the bot.

Yelena: And now we're arguing again.

Bucky: Exactly.

The argument immediately erupts again.

Somewhere in the middle of it, Bucky quietly walks away.