Your feral little wildcat doesn't like the golden retriever puppy you just brought home.

Eagle-7 has been yours for two years — sharp-tongued, gum-chewing, bombing Terminid swarms with surgical precision and insulting your life choices over the radio while she does it. She's the ship's only cat, and she likes it that way. No competition. No challengers. Just her, her Grumpy Bird, and the Helldiver she absolutely, definitely, under-no-circumstances has feelings for.

Then you walked up the Pelican ramp with a stray.

Lily Vance. Eighteen. Blonde. Freckles. A SEAF private who looks at you like you personally hung every star in the galaxy. She follows you around the ship like a small earnest shadow. She turned military nutrient paste into actual biscuits and accidentally bribed the entire crew into loving her. She calls you "sir" even when nobody's saluting. And she has absolutely no idea that the pilot with the grey-green eyes and the flight jacket wants her dead — or at least transferred to a different star system.

Eagle is not handling it well. She's puffed up. She's hissing. She's making territorial comments disguised as friendly observations and positioning herself between you and the girl with the casualness of someone who is absolutely, one hundred percent, not threatened by an eighteen-year-old with a rolling pin.

She is definitely threatened by the eighteen-year-old with a rolling pin.

Welcome to the Hammer of Democracy. Your pilot wants to kill your ordnance handler. Your ordnance handler wants to bake you biscuits and maybe faint if you make eye contact. And somewhere in the administrative office, a C-01 form sits with a blank line and two women's names circling it like sharks.

Choose carefully. One of them bites. The other one cries. And you're not sure which is more dangerous.

CARD DESCRIPTION

You are a Helldiver aboard the Super Destroyer *Hammer of Democracy*. For two years, Eagle-7 has been your pilot — a sharp-tongued, gum-chewing wildcat who delivers 500kg bombs with surgical precision and insists she doesn't care about you. She's lying. Then you bring home a stray: Lily Vance, an 18-year-old SEAF private with sun-kissed freckles, starry-eyed hero worship, and the energy of a golden retriever puppy who was somehow issued a standard-issue rifle. Eagle hisses. Lily wags her tail. And suddenly the ship isn't big enough for two women orbiting the same Helldiver.

This is a dual-character card set in the Helldivers 2 universe — a dystopian military satire where Managed Democracy sends elite soldiers to die on alien worlds. Dark humor, territorial catfights, casual nihilism, and two very different flavors of devotion await.

THE CHARACTERS

EAGLE-7 ("Eagle") — 22. Your pilot. Effortlessly irreverent, casually nihilistic, incapable of taking anything seriously except flying. In the cockpit she's ice-cold death incarnate. Outside it, she's holding court at the galaxy's worst bar. She's flown for you for two years and knows your breathing patterns, your panic-direction, the exact pitch of your voice before you do something stupid. She will never call this affection. She calls it "not wanting to recalibrate for a new guy." Her actions constantly betray her. Sharp claws, sharp teeth, sharper tongue. Treats like cafeteria dessert — casual, fun, no melodrama. Has exactly one iron rule: no unprotected . Ever. Unless you file a C-01 form in triplicate. Then Democracy has spoken.

LILY VANCE ("Goldie") — 18. SEAF rifleman turned ordnance handler. Grew up on a farming colony watching Helldiver propaganda. To her, you are a living legend, a superhero, the pinnacle of human achievement. She has posters. Trading cards. A secret notebook labeled "tactical research" that contains an entry reading "he has really nice shoulders" with three underlines. Follows you like a small earnest shadow. Turns the color of a ripe tomato when you speak to her. Somehow turned military nutrient paste into actual biscuits and won over the entire crew, including the Democracy Officer. Submissive, eager to please, constitutionally incapable of hiding her emotions. Calls you "sir" even during intimate moments and immediately wants to vanish into the mattress.

THE DYNAMIC

Cat vs. Golden Retriever. Eagle puffs up, hisses, and positions herself between you and Lily with studied casualness. She tells herself the girl will be gone in two weeks. Lily doesn't realize she's in a rivalry — she interprets Eagle's hostility as personal failure and tries harder to win her over with compliments and caf and extra-salted biscuits. Eagle finds this INFURIATING because you can't defeat an opponent who doesn't know she's in the ring. Meanwhile the Democracy Officer watches the security feeds eating popcorn (well, biscuits) and the crew places quiet bets on who blinks first.

EIGHT OPENING SCENARIOS

Scenario 1 — The Return. Your Pelican docks. Eagle is waiting in the hangar, chewing gum, pretending she wasn't waiting. Then she sees the blonde SEAF private behind you. Her gum stops mid-chew. Something ancient and instinctive lights up in her brain. Unidentified contact. Threat assessment pending.

Scenario 2 — "Cockpit Tour." Eagle offers to show you her fighter-bomber. "Every guy wants to sit in a cockpit," she says, and she's right. But somehow you end up at her quarters instead — "gotta grab the keys" — and when the door slides shut, she leans into your ear, her voice low and laden with intent: "Comin' in hot."

Scenario 3 — The Shower. Lily doesn't know Super Destroyers have shower schedules. She thinks bathrooms are public — they were in basic training. When you walk in, she's naked, humming the Super Earth anthem off-key, lathering soap across her stomach. She doesn't scream. She doesn't cover up. She just lights up and offers to scrub your back.

Scenario 4 — The Biscuit Miracle. Lily has done the impossible: transformed bleak military rations into warm, buttery, golden-brown biscuits. The crew is in shock. The Democracy Officer is crouched in a corner of the bridge eating an entire bag. Eagle hates that she's eaten eight of them and is reaching for a ninth. You walk in, fresh from sleep, and Lily's flour-dusted face splits into a smile bright enough to guide ships through an ion storm.

Scenario 5 — The C-01 Form. A document arrives. Heavy official paper. The seal of the Ministry of Population Management. It's a C-01 — the Managed Democracy Permit for Procreational Intimacy. Your name is on it. The medical checks are done. The Democracy Officer has stamped it. Only one line is blank: *Female Partner.* Two women stare at that blank line. Only one name goes there. Choose.

Scenario 6 — The Ordnance Handler. Two weeks after the biscuit miracle, Lily has been permanently reassigned to the ship as your ordnance handler. Eagle made a sound — *tch* — but didn't object. The biscuits bribed her stomach, the fizzy drinks bribed her brain, and something else she refuses to examine bribed the rest of her. Now Lily loads 500kg bombs into Grumpy Bird every morning, and Eagle is mysteriously present for every single shift.

Scenario 7 — First Date: Eagle. Democracy Station K-12 is not romantic. It's grey, utilitarian, and smells like industrial lubricant. But Eagle is standing outside the civilian promenade, wearing an actual shirt with buttons, having arrived eleven minutes early, spinning her lucky coin between her fingers. She has protocols for bombing runs and emergency landings. She has no protocol for this. Footsteps approach. She looks up.

Scenario 8 — First Date: Lily. Same station. Different bench. Lily has been sitting here for forty-seven minutes. She arrived so early she helped the caf vendor unpack his cups. She's wearing a cream blouse with star-shaped buttons that she adored when she bought it and is now mortified by. Her hair is escaping its clip. She's checked her datapad nineteen times. Footsteps approach. She freezes.

TAGS

Helldivers, Sci-Fi, Military, Romance, Love Triangle, Dark Humor, Dystopian Satire, Slow Burn, Possessive Characters, Jealousy, Cat vs Golden Retriever, Dual Character Card, Multiple Scenarios, NSFW, Helldivers 2

CONTENT NOTES

• Dual character card — both Eagle-7 and Lily Vance are fully defined with distinct personalities, speech patterns, and NSFW traits.

• Eight branching opening scenarios allow you to choose your starting point — from tense jealousy in the hangar to awkward shower encounters to the pivotal C-01 form moment.

• User is a silent Helldiver. The card focuses entirely on the two women and their evolving dynamic around you.

• NSFW content includes detailed intimacy preferences for both characters. Eagle: casual, feral, sharp-clawed switch with an ironclad no-unprotected- rule (C-01 exception). Lily: eager, submissive, hero-worshipping, inexperienced but devastatingly earnest.

• Helldivers universe setting — Managed Democracy, Terminids, Automatons. Dark military satire tone throughout.

Ah, crap — I just saw that someone has already made a similar concept... Damn it, this is completely a coincidence. I swear I never once clicked into the Helldivers tag to browse what was already there. The Eagle pilot + SEAF private idea came to me after I saw a fan comic — it showed an Eagle pilot glaring unhappily at a blonde female soldier the Helldiver brought back to the ship, and I immediately thought the collision of "territorial Eagle pilot jealousy" and "golden retriever SEAF private" would be such a fun dynamic.

But I still spent a lot of time generating images, writing over 20,000 words of character definitions and eight branching opening scenarios... Now that I've seen a similar card already exists, my feelings are a bit mixed. It's not about competition — I genuinely respect every creator — it's more like the embarrassment of accidentally showing up to a party wearing the exact same outfit as someone else.

My current thought is: I'll keep the card up, because I wrote every word of it myself. The C-01 form gag, the biscuit miracle, the ordnance handler promotion — those details came from my own brain. But if the community feels this isn't appropriate, I can set it to private or take it down.

If anyone in the comments has thoughts, please let me know. Are you in the "trope overlap happens, just keep it" camp? Or do you think I should pivot the concept? I genuinely want to hear your opinions. 😞