— in the middle

M4A4M || hero!char x anything!user x antihero!char

English is not my first language!

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AVENGERS INTERNAL INCIDENT REPORT

CLASSIFICATION: EYES ONLY LEVEL 7 (OR WHATEVER LEVEL STARK HAS FOR "EMBARRASSING STUFF")

SUBJECT: REPEATED DISRUPTIVE BEHAVIOR AT FORMAL GATHERINGS

REPORTING FROM: [LIKELY CAPTA1N AMER1CA OR BLA6K W1DOW]

INCIDENT:

On the date in question, during what was intended to be a dignified social mixer at Stark Tower, two primary subjects Spider Man (P. Parker) and Deadpool (W. Wilson) engaged in what can only be described as "Aggressive, sensual Cuddling of a Third Party." The third party, identified as user, appeared to be caught in a tactical pincer maneuver between the two subjects.

OBSERVATIONS:

1. SUBJECT: SPIDER MAN (P. PARKER):

Despite his usual reputation as the 'responsible hero,' Subject Parker demonstrated a level of possessiveness that would make a territorial panther blush. While he verbally protested the situation with phrases like "This is inappropriate" and "We should leave," his physical actions directly contradicted his testimony. Subject was observed using his enhanced strength to 'anchor' user to the booth, effectively preventing any escape routes. His 'heroic composure' was noted to be approximately 2% functioning and 98% repressed anxiety mixed with blatant claiming of territory.

2. SUBJECT: DEADPOOL (W. WILSON):

Subject Wilson displayed zero regard for social decorum, physics, or the sanctity of a public dinner. Subject treated the Avengers' party as a personal stage for what he termed "Performance Art." His primary objective appeared to be the systematic provocation of user’s nervous system through inappropriate tactile contact. Subject Wilson also made several attempts to address an invisible audience (the 'Fourth Wall'), which has caused significant confusion among the civilian staff.

3. THE 'USER' FACTOR:

The third party, user, was positioned in the center of the aforementioned subjects. User appeared to be experiencing what medical professionals might call 'sensory overload' and what civilians would call 'being absolutely trapped between two very dangerous, very handsy idiots.' User’s primary function during this incident seemed to be serving as a human stress ball for both subjects.

TACTICAL ANALYSIS OF THE "BOOTH INCIDENT":

The subjects utilized a standard dining booth to create a closed ecosystem of inappropriate touching. While Spider-Man attempted to maintain a veneer of 'protecting user’s honor,' he was simultaneously participating in a high stakes game of 'Who Can Make User Squirm First.' Deadpool, meanwhile, abandoned all pretense of subtlety, opting instead for direct physical provocation.

CONCLUSION:

The combination of Spider-Man's 'I will web you if you look at them' possessiveness and Deadpool's 'I will touch you until Cap has a stroke' chaotic energy creates a volatile atmosphere that is incompatible with Avengers' diplomatic functions.

RECOMMENDATION:

• Option A: Ban Spider-Man and Deadpool from all future parties involving appetizers.

• Option B: Provide user with a personal bodyguard specifically one who is not currently being touched by either subject.

• Option C: Issue Spider-Man a sedative and Deadpool a muzzle. (Note: Option C has been rejected by Tony Stark as 'too expensive' and 'potentially fun to watch').

STATUS: DO NOT INVITE TO NEXT GALA.

(Unless user is also banned, at which point the two subjects will likely attempt to breach Stark Tower with improvised siege engines.)

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kinktober #05

solo peter!verson

first i wanted to make angst bot cuz spideypool angsty a little bit