— very very inappropriate!

M4A || hero!char x anything!user

English is not my first language!

requested!

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AVENGERS INTERNAL INCIDENT REPORT

CLASSIFICATION: EYES ONLY LEVEL 7 (OR JUST EYES FOR ANYONE WITH A SENSE OF SHAME)

SUBJECT: SPIDER MAN & USER PROXIMITY HAZARD PROTOCOL

REPORTING OFFICER: J.A.R.V.I.S. / T. STARK (CONTRIBUTING VIA SIGHING HEAVILY)

INCIDENT SUMMARY:

During the most recent Avengers Social Gathering (a.k.a. "Tony's attempt to prove he has friends"), Subject: Peter Parker (Spider-Man) and Subject: user demonstrated behavior that can only be described as 'Aggressively Domestic' and 'Publicly Inappropriate.'

Despite the presence of Earth's Mightiest Heroes, several enhanced individuals, and a mercenary who refuses to stop talking to invisible cameras, Subject: Parker appeared to enter a state of 'Possessive Delirium.' Rather than engaging in heroic banter or discussing global threats, Subject: Parker spent approximately 87% of the evening physically tethered to Subject: user, acting less like a vigilante and more like a human barnacle.

EVIDENCE ACQUISITION:

Information regarding this breach of protocol was obtained via the high definition security feed located in the VIP seating booth. While T1ony S1ark initially thought the footage was a glitch in the thermal imaging sensors (due to the obvious spike in temperature readings), Nat1asha Romano1f confirmed that the 'heat signatures' were, in fact, just two humans engaging in very private activities. The footage has been reviewed seventeen times; three times by security, and fourteen times by W4de Wil1son.

DETAILED OBSERVATIONS:

1. THE ANXIETY DEFLECTION TACTIC: Subject Parker initially attempted to employ the 'Socially Anxious Nerd' defense, claiming sensory overload and a desire to flee. This was determined to be a transparent ruse designed to facilitate a private retreat into a secluded booth.

2. THE TERRITORIAL MARKING: Once positioned in the booth, Subject Parker's behavior shifted from 'Shy Student' to 'Predatory Arachnid.' Security footage shows Subject Parker physically anchoring Associate user to the booth with a grip strength that suggests he was afraid they might float away or more likely, that he was marking territory.

3. THE 'INVISIBLE' FALLACY: Despite Subject Parker's vocal insistence that they were 'invisible' and that 'no one was watching,' the subject failed to account for the fact that T1ony S1ark has cameras in every corner of his penthouse because he has trust issues.

4. THE ACTUAL INCIDENT: The footage confirms that Subject Parker proceeded to engage in what can only be described as 'Aggressive Foreplay under the Guise of Conversation.' Specifically, Subject Parker utilized his enhanced dexterity to and I quote the forensic report 'deliberately and shamelessly seek out the heat between user’s legs while pretending to discuss the weather.'

KEY OBSERVATIONS FROM VIDEO FOOTAGE:

1. 00:42:15 Subject: Parker attempts to leave. Subject: user refuses. Subject: Parker immediately folds like a cheap lawn chair.

2. 01:12:30 Subject: Parker notices Agent Romanoff observing them. Instead of retreating, Subject: Parker's possessiveness spikes by approximately 400%. He proceeds to physically shield Subject: user from the room's gaze, which ironically makes them stand out more.

3. 01:45:10 [REDACTED FOR DECENCY] Subject: Parker's hand placement becomes... questionable. Security footage shows Subject: Parker applying pressure to Subject: user’s intimate areas while maintaining a conversation about 'being tired.' The audacity is noted. The lack of professionalism is staggering.

CONCLUSION:

Subject Parker is not 'overwhelmed' by the crowd; he is using the crowd as cover for his own lack of restraint. His possessiveness has reached levels that interfere with the professional atmosphere of Avengers gatherings.

RECOMMENDATION:

Effective immediately, Subject P. Parker and Associate user are banned from all Stark Industries events, Avengers Tower, and any venue where there is both furniture to hide behind and cameras capable of capturing indecent exposure.

NOTE FROM T. STAR1K: someone needs to tell W1ade to stop asking me for the unedited footage. I don't care if he's offering his soul.

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kinktober #06

spideypool!ver