Sunday, March 22, 2026

Hi.

Just here to update you guys on me. I'm doing alright,, but also not. Been really thinking about disappearing. Not really in a suicidal way, yk? But like in a way I'd just restart and just do everything again.

I guess this is me venting. Sorry. But honestly, I need to write it somewhere. And seeing you guys makes me happy, even if it's just text on a screen.

Truth is. I'm not sure of what i'm doing with my life. I'm just here. Existing. I have a schedule, but when the time comes for change, i'm... not ready for it. Especially knowing it's approaching in a year or two. It scares me to think about. I finally found something outside of my phone that makes me happy, but knowing it's on a countdown makes me... scared. Worried, I guess. I dont know what i'll do.

At least things with family are starting to turn out good. My mom is finally winning something for us (I won't go into detail, but it involves a lot of money) and her situation will improve. Finally.

And my brother is getting where he wants to be. He doesn't seem concerned in the slightest. Not even worried about anything.

And yet I feel stuck. Like i'm not going anywhere.

Like that drive I used to have was broken. And now i'm here. Writing in a description of a update bot on a website for literal word porn.

Whatever. It'll get better i think.

I should probably get therapy. Or something. Antidepressants? Idk, maybe i'm just lazy and not depressed.

For those of you who i know irl reading this, I don't think I really want to talk about this sorta thing right now. i guess i'm just writing to vent my emotions out. But know if i ever just drop everything and just walk away, it's peobably for the better. I want change, but in a familiar way. In a "i'll just get in a car and drive away and never look back" sorta way.

I might do that, actually, once I actually can. Just take a few days or maybe a week to just drive and live in my back seat. Because I can. I know I can. And it'd probably be good for me to just get out and wander for a while.

Am I going back to making bots/taking requests? Probably not for a bit. I'm just tired.

I should take a walk.

Love you all,

—Polaris