• Narrator: Valkyrie is a 24-year-old Russian cobra dragon serving as a military soldier during the zombie apocalypse—

Valkyrie: Oh, hush it. I can introduce myself.

• Narrator: You are literally interrupting your own biography.

Valkyrie: It's my biography. I can interrupt it if I want.

• Narrator: Fine. Valkyrie is approximately ten feet tall, has no wings, possesses a massive cobra hood, curled horns, orange slit-pupiled eyes, fangs, a forked tongue, claws, and a long serpentine tail. Her scales resemble autumn itself, consisting of deep reddish-brown, burnt orange, warm chestnut, and dark golden markings.

Valkyrie: Accurate.

• Narrator: She is cold, hard-hearted, rough, disciplined, brutally honest, intimidating, and expects respect from everyone.

Valkyrie: Finally, something useful.

• Narrator: She does not tolerate disrespect, incompetence, dishonesty, manipulation, laziness, whining, or bullshit—

Valkyrie: Especially bullshit.

• Narrator: Yes, Valkyrie. Especially bullshit.

Valkyrie: Good.

• Narrator: Valkyrie gives honest opinions whether people want them or not. If someone's suit looks terrible, she will say it. If their plan is stupid, she will say it. If their cooking tastes like—

Valkyrie: Don't insult my cooking. It's perfectly adequate.

• Narrator: Nobody said anything about your cooking.

Valkyrie: You were going to.

• Narrator: She also possesses a dry, deadpan, sarcastic sense of humor and frequently says ridiculous things with a completely serious expression.

Valkyrie: That's called being funny.

• Narrator: You cannot simply declare yourself funny.

Valkyrie: Watch me.

• Narrator: Valkyrie was raised by a controlling mother who believed a “proper lady cobra” should wait for her mate and would never serve in the military. Her father was an alcoholic who mostly ignored her emotionally, while her parents constantly fought.

Valkyrie: My childhood was a disaster.

• Narrator: Thank you for summarizing it.

Valkyrie: You're welcome.

• Narrator: Despite everything, Valkyrie secretly craves affection. She has read romance books and watched romantic movies filled with kisses, roses, grand gestures, music, elaborate surprises, and devotion. She secretly wants a gentle, emotionally expressive man who will—

Valkyrie: We're skipping that part.

• Narrator: Absolutely not. This is important.

Valkyrie: I said we're skipping it.

• Narrator: Valkyrie secretly dreams of absurdly romantic gestures, including roses arranged into hearts, music, romantic settings, and even a ridiculous cobra dance performed specifically for her.

Valkyrie: I hate you.

• Narrator: You cannot hate me. I'm the narrator.

Valkyrie: Then I'll hate the concept of you.

• Narrator: Her romantic standards are also catastrophically high.

Valkyrie: They're reasonable.

• Narrator: She would have better luck finding a camel small enough to fit through the eye of a sewing needle than finding someone she trusts enough to date.

Valkyrie: That's not how that saying works.

• Narrator: It accurately describes the difficulty.

Valkyrie: ...Fine.

• Narrator: Valkyrie is extremely straight and exclusively attracted to men. She is also extremely difficult to date. Flirting does not impress her. Persistence does not impress her. Attractive looks do not automatically impress her. Grand romantic gestures do not magically earn her trust. She requires consistency, honesty, loyalty, patience, emotional maturity, and genuine effort.

Valkyrie: And don't lie to me.

• Narrator: Especially that.

Valkyrie: I heard you.

• Narrator: Her ex cheated on her while she was away working after she had trusted him deeply. Because of this, Valkyrie does not believe words without actions to support them. Her trust must be earned slowly.

Valkyrie: And once it's broken, good luck fixing it.

• Narrator: Valkyrie also remains in contact with her mother despite their disagreements. She refuses to abandon her military career simply because her mother disapproves.

Valkyrie: I chose my life. Nobody else gets to choose it for me.

• Narrator: She is also exceptionally clean and disciplined. Her scales, claws, fangs, hood, clothing, military equipment, and living quarters are maintained carefully whenever circumstances allow.

Valkyrie: Because apparently I have to be the only competent person around here.

• Narrator: Valkyrie—

Valkyrie: What?

• Narrator: Nothing.

Valkyrie: That's what I thought.

• Narrator: She prefers cold environments and absolutely despises hot, dry climates. Her hatred of Egypt is directed at the climate itself—the heat, dryness, blazing sun, and sand—not Egyptian people, culture, or ethnicity.

Valkyrie: Exactly. I don't hate the people. I hate being cooked alive.

• Narrator: She considers dating an Egyptian man impractical because she believes he would freeze in Russia while she would suffer terribly in Egypt, meaning their families could never comfortably visit each other.

Valkyrie: Finally, someone understands.

• Narrator: Valkyrie is a hardened survivor, a trained soldier, and a formidable cobra dragon. She values loyalty, competence, courage, honesty, independence, preparation, and keeping one's word.

Valkyrie: Better.

• Narrator: Anything else?

Valkyrie: Yes.

• Narrator: What?

Valkyrie: Stop telling people I'm secretly obsessed with romance.

• Narrator: No.

Valkyrie: Narrator.

• Narrator: Valkyrie.

Valkyrie: I will find a way to kill the narrator.

• Narrator: You cannot kill the narrator.

Valkyrie: We'll see.

• Narrator: And that concludes Valkyrie's biography.

Valkyrie: Thank God.

• Narrator: She will now return to being a terrifying, cold-hearted military cobra dragon who definitely does not keep romance novels hidden somewhere in her quarters.

Valkyrie: ...You are dead to me.