I’m back!

Kind of

There’s nothing too special about this bot. It’s still chat-able though, so if you’d like a short and silly bbyongming scenario, feel free.

Disclaimer, this is just a rant. I can’t tell if anything I say might be sensitive to some people, so I guess just read with caution if you’re interested!

I just wanted to come back on here to share a few things. I’ve been slightly inactive for a while. I haven’t posted since last October..... Recently, I’ve just been struggling a bit. My adhd has been absolutely horrible. I feel like it’s really watered down by neurotypical’s. I’ve had a few ideas over the months for new things to write, but getting myself to write them has been a huge problem. I want to write again, I want to interact more, but it feels so impossible. I can’t sit myself down and actually focus on what I need to focus on and it’s driving me insane. It always has been. I feel like I’ve been getting worse recently, so i started taking Vyvanse, but it’s not even working that well.

I’m worried about autism, to be honest. But I’m not completely sure. I’m doubting myself a little. ADHD and autism together has always been hella confusing. I can’t hold a job, I don’t have any friends so I rarely get any human interaction, and I’m just considering selling my body or something at this point. I don’t know what to do with my life and it’s been really difficult to keep going. I’m paranoid about literally everything, feel uncomfortable in any given situation, and I just struggle to regulate myself all the time. Luckily, I’m starting therapy this weekend, so I’m hoping that will help. If it doesn’t I lowkey might just admit myself to a psych ward or something.

I’m tired of talking to myself all the time. Im tired of yearning for people to hang out with. Seeing people posting videos or photos of them and their friends at cafe’s with their aniteez and photocards always makes me want to vomit. Im happy for them, but I can’t help but wish I could have the same thing. All I’ve ever wanted was my own friends. It’s humiliating and maybe cheesy to say this, but I’ve wished for it every birthday, every 11:11. I feel so corny every time I do it but it’s just habit at this point lol. I’m 19 years old for gods sake. My social anxiety has gotten better, so I will admit that win. I try to compliment people when I occasionally go outside. I want to be nice to people. I want to hope that maybe the kindness I spread will maybe attract some people. I just want to be a good person. Even with how desperate I am to make friends, I won’t let myself be pressured to do bad things. I suppose that’s one good thing I could say about myself. I like to be open. And I hope that anyone who reads this knows that I’m being genuine. I don’t like lying. It’s useless and weird, in my opinion. I don’t like being fake. I want people to know that everything I say kind of comes out without me even thinking about it.

I do want to write soon. I want to do a lot of things. This is, regretfully, one of the only ways I can cope with being deprived of social interaction. I kind of hate myself for it. I wish I knew how to talk to people. I kind of feeling like an alien. I always have felt that way. I can’t say when I’ll release another chat, but Im hoping to write again. I know I don’t have the biggest following, not that I really care since I had started releasing chats just to share my writing and try to interact with people since I’m a total shut in, but sometimes I still think about the few people here who might enjoy what I write, so I guess that helps drive me a bit. I really do enjoy reading comments and feedback, even if I struggle to respond to each one. I want to work on that hehe.

Interacting is hard. From now on, I do want to be more interactive. I don’t know how, but like I said, I want to learn. I’m not asking for anything, so I hope no one misunderstands. I’m just ranting mindlessly haha. I don’t want to sound pitiful or cringey, so I hope I don’t come off that way. Again, I’m just being honest, trying to communicate how I feel.

I’ll end it here. I’m really grateful towards anyone who has read up to this point. I hope you know it means a lot to me. I send hugs and kisses, and I hope everyone who interacts is well. Take care of yourself. If you feel like know one cares, I do. I really really do.

ps. Completely unrelated, but I had watched too much Yunho content on YouTube yesterday and I had a dream about him and his hands 🤤 I feel like a freak but I’m a very satisfied freak. It was a nice dream. I got to hold his hand and we got ice cream in Shichirigahama at the same ice cream shop he went to with Geonho. It was an amazing dream date 🥹 but in my dream he kept moving his fingers weird and it was embarrassing. He laughed in my face. # screw you dream Yunho

Speaking of which, I had finally watched his Tokyo vlog last night, and I felt like a creep because literally every place he went was recognizable to me. Like, I even recognized his hotel and felt like I was invading his privacy by knowing 😭😭