TW FOR:

Mentions of self (imagined), SH and sv1c1dal ideation, toxicity in relationships

Viewer discretion is advised, and thank you for listening to me.

For the past 2 years, ever since my older brother moved out, my mom has been more.. distant? I don't know if that's the right word for it, but on top of that she's been having constant mood swings and has been (from what I've noticed and have been told by friends who ive talked about her behavior) that she's been using me as an emotional outlet for her stress from my younger sibling and dad.

On top of that, while my dad, bless his heart cus he's the awesomest dude i know and trust my life with, has been gaslighting me by saying shit like "she's got a lot on her plate", "moms get stressed out too"(note: I'm fully aware of the toll parenthood takes on an individual), and even pulled THIS out of his ass when i tried to justify myself for UNINTENTIONALLY LASHING OUT BECAUSE I WAS FED UP and said something along the lines of that my mother has a free pass to be a bitch to the current eldest in the house.

Because of this, I've recently relapsed (SH), and while they aren't deep (mostly because i don't want them to scar yet still need to feel it and see evidence of it being there), the sheer amount of them takes up my entire torso/midriff.

On top of that i constantly have an urge to rip out my internal organs, break my own ribcage, rip off skin, break my jaw, and various other things that i will not be mentioning because i don't know how to describe it. Alongside this, i have also been wanting to kms. I haven't written a note at all yet, but I've thought about what i would write, how i would execute it so I wouldn't be saved as easily if my body was found, and of course a plan incase i made it.

At the same time though, i don't feel valid enough, if that's correctly describing it. My symptoms and feelings and the events that are occuring aren't what ive heard from other people, and i constantly second guess myself. "What if I'm just over thinking this?" "This looks attention seeking." "Why bother with this at all?" Are all exampled of thoughts that run through my head when trying to make how i feel feel "normal", in a way.

ANYWAYS- no I'm not gonna kms yet I've yet to even do anything I wanted to yet.

UPDATE 1 BECAUSE IM NOT MAKING ANOTHER BOT:

Sooo i was alr for a couple weeks(might not have even been weeks, time is kinda hard to keep track of lately due to everything being the same), and now we're back where we started! Hoorayy....(Sarcasm)

Good news is that i don't have access to a screwdriver (previous SH attempts involved me literally unscrewing the razor from a pencil sharpener), so thats awesome, and I've got friends, but shits getting real, might try the salt method if i get desperate. This also will probably not happen because as I am typing this i just had a mental breakdown, so don't fret unless i actually write a note, okay????? I wouldn't leave without explanation, that's rude to do.

My mom is STILL being a bitch and is STILL being insensitive as , and I'm FORCED to see her every day until i move out, and my dad is still putting up with her bullshittery, so he's not exactly a safe space I can confide in anymore :/

But I've only been bed rotting, my room is a mess, theres ants everywhere, so uhhh... Yeah gng wish me luck, lifes in a shitty spot rn and im holding on by a thread :')

(NOTE: IM NOT GOING TO KMS IM TRYING TO GET BETTER BUT IT IS DIFFICULT, DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID LIKE I SAID I WAS GOING TO DO)

UPDATE 2

OK soo yk how the Last two vents I made are mostly very emotional?

I'm numb(??? Idk its complicated idrk whats happening). I can't cry. I want to and nothing is working. Happiness and excitement is also eluding me. Gore, which usually, is something I enjoy a lot and it also helped me out of an identity crisis, isn't hitting the same anymore+is grossing me out. I can't sleep. Eating is hard, but I already think im a bit underweight, idk yet tho, if so I'm worried because my appetite has been going down a lot recently to the point my comfort food tastes weird.

Also I caught an illness from collecting bugs yesterday+threw out a rib by coughing. I have no regrets and fully own the consequences of my actions.

ON A DIFF NOTE THO THE ANTS ARE GONE :DDD