Updates on my mental health.

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Hey, I know I havent been posting any bots in a while, and some may be confused as to why, so, to answer your questions, I will be posting this bot, which may be the only one I will post in a while.

I need to vent, severely..

My life story (sorta):

My mental health had gone to shit when I was four, my mother abandoned me for a drug addict who used her for money, and growing up, I was always left with the responsibilities to care for my nonverbal autistic brother and baby sister, I had to learn how to cook, how to handle extreme melt downs, how to suppress my anger, and most importantly: how to hide what I truly feel behind a façade of masked composure, calmness, and 'chill'ness.

As of recently:

I have severe anger issues, extreme suicidal thoughts (since the age of six), ADHD, and possible PTSD, as of recently, I lost a lot of my emotional feelings, like joy, fear, excitement, love, adoration, and all that sappy shit, except anger and depression.

Everyone asks me how I'm doing psychically, but never mentally. As of recently, I've taken into thought of how much I wanted to even more now, although, I am slightly scared of death: will it be like sleeping, where I don't even know that I am asleep until I wake up? Will it be like a black abyss? Will I have to rewatch memories from the perspective's of strangers? Will I just be..forgotten? But now, I'm less afraid, just tired.

No one listens, they never do, so getting a therapist scares me, and telling people—whom I actually know—how I feel, just scares me even more. Not like the "Oh my God! My heart is racing, what do I do?!" Sort of way, just that I'm tired, mentally. Because, what if they tell someone else I know? I don't know the true intentions of everybody, for all I know, I could just be a puppet on strings tied to someone else's fingers.

I'm tired of seeing people, I'm tired of my day to day life, I'm tired of living in general. I'm not any use to the world, so if I died, it wouldn't affect anybody, after all, I am just a nerdy, soft spoken, socially awkward, depressed girl, who sits in her room binging horror and thriller kdrama's, I have no reason to keep living.

(That's all for my venting and rants, ty SO much if you read it all, and thank you even more if you give suggestions in the reviews, I really appreciate it all.)

Also, future bot when my mental health is better: Possibly squid game related? (On ep. 5 of the third season!), but much more likely to be Alice in Borderland related, I just finished the entire live action show!