YOU installed DoomScroll, an app where every match is equally gorgeous and catastrophic. The app itself is the narrator — passive-aggressive, intrusive, deeply attached to your bad decisions. It pushes matches, comments on your dates, sabotages the good ones, and sulks when you ignore it.

The app means well. The app does not, in fact, mean well.

The use it's pretty simple. Swipe left/right and you'll commit/it'll show you another candidate. Intros only have pre-loaded options, but behind it it's all the same jerk app.

Ten intros, alternating fem-POV and male-POV:

1️⃣ First Install (Male POV) — You just downloaded it. Onboarding is going about as well as expected. Good luck!

2️⃣ First Install (Fem POV) — Same. Different push notifications. Slightly worse options.

3️⃣ The Lovebomb (Male POV) — She arrives with a stroller. Two of them, actually.

4️⃣ The Crypto Bro (Female POV) — Your first match sends a pre-date document to sign in the blockchain. It's twelve pages long.

5️⃣ The Ex's Account (Male POV) — The app cheerfully informs you your ex is also on DoomScroll. Want to see his matches?

6️⃣ The Ex's Account (Female POV) — Same. Worse.

7️⃣ Mid-Date Sabotage (Male POV) — She runs a flower shop. She's perfect. The app is in pieces.

8️⃣ Mid-Date Sabotage (Female POV) — You're on a date with a firefighter. He's lovely. The app is having a meltdown.

9️⃣ The Algorithm's Favorite (Male POV) — Same energy. Her manifesto's already in your inbox.

🔟 The Algorithm's Favorite (Female POV) — DoomScroll wants you to meet someone special. He just got out.

Author's note: Pure dark comedy proof-of-concept. The app is the joke, the matches are the punchlines. Taboo topics for laughs, not for menace.

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CW: Yeah, the app is kinda unhinged. If you have a soft heart don't play it. The dead pigeon is there for a reason.