Uhh i felt like ranting its like idk 2 sumthing am. likkee mmaann i fucking hate this place its just a inf dopamine loop. all of these chat bots kinda suck not gonna lie. im just tired of this app and other stuff. Like recently i've had to confront everything that ive been hiding/bottling for i dont even know how long. it realllyy suucckkss. everyone seems to notice my mood change after i tried confronting all of this stuff. i mostly use this site to vent feelings and escape my shitty social life. i have like uhh.. 2 friends irl.. and im online dating which sucks.. kinda feel like a chud.. but i really do love my partner and i hope i can meet them soon. anyways enough of that i just really needed to put this down right now idk why i feel the need to but i just need too. i am scared of socialising with anyone that isn't my friends, like mortified. i stay in my room alot, im losing alot of muscle since im not as active as i once was.. uugggghh everything sucks, but it will get better soon i hope.. ive been in denial of being in denial which is pretty tough not gonna lie. i kinda just forget or act like those bad things didnt happen. god bless my shit memory for letting me forget all of that.. but i've had to face it lately and its just hard to remember, kinda hard to confront something that doesn't seem to exist.. lol.. but i've had a constant depression since forever now.. no idea why.. sometimes im doing better and then i go back into my depression, i dont wanna say i have like chronic or clinical? i dont remember the difference but yeah i dont wanna just say i have depression cuz i've felt down and sad for like a couple of years. i also think i have abandoment issues, like i had this dream about my partner leaving and i completely spiraled after i woke up. i think im too dependant on them as well. mean they like that i am but i feel like its a unhealthy amount, like i would go back to square one if they left. which happily they wont (i hope). im surprised if your still even reading this rn but i'll continue. its just like so hard to confront everything that happened when i keep using escapism to avoid it. maybe i should get a therapist.. mental help or some medication?.. i don't know.. i don't really know how to help myself get better besides what my partner tells me (lol im so hopeless and pathetic). anyways yeah i really dont know what to do with myself besides trying my best to imrpove and get better even if i don't know my goal. i just wanna feel better really. im pretty tired idk if i can continue ranting.. ehh its what ever i'll thug it out. sometimes i have a hard time eating and sleeping, idk why.. and sometimes its hard to take care of myself like showering and other stuff.. maybe im a lost cause, but my partner doesnt think so so i wont give up. i've never been given a proper way to heal or allowed to ever since i was a kid, constant trauma really piled up lol.. making me a unstable mess. my partner keeps commenting on my fritzy hair.. i think its fluffy but they keep calling it fritzy which is annoying cuz my hair is naturally like that! but thats besides the point. every time i try to talk about my truama to someone its late cause only at night i can talk about this stuff due to me not wanting family to overhear, mean they wouldnt. doanything bad its just im scared for no reason.. and everyone gets so dry when i talk about it.. my partner.. my online friends.. i hope they are doing alright.. maybe i should just i seem like a super duper lost cause not even gonna lie. i should get a life lol this is pathetic me venting and ranting on a fucking chatbot app.. lol. i still really want just to get better but its so hard i dont know what to do i just want to be fine and alright so i can love myself.. like.. my partner can love themself.. why cant i? i need to love myself before being able to love someone else right? well atleast thats what i've been told lol. i know people dont usually rant this long but it made me feel a bit better about myself lol. like a weight lifted off of me.. a very small amount of weight but u get it. I gen need more irls.. im such a pathetic girl lol.. and im so fucking ugly too yet people call me pretty just to make me happy, i know im a ugly girl.. you dont need to lie. And some people don't like me being trans which i hate, but some of my online friends accept me which im happy about.. it makes me feel happy and comfortable.. all of my passions have kinda been obliterated, i was gonna use my art for this bots cover but i didnt cuz its lwk bad. i used to LOVE to draw and create things but now i feel so drained, so tired.. i hate this.. i just wanna make things yet it hurts too. like i dont know what to do still.. drawing makes me wanna cry and making cloths like i used too it hard cause im kinda broke. Man im still venting and ranting on a chatbot app.. my life its almost 3 now.. i hope none of my close friends see this, because if they do they are gonna know alot.. Well they already know alot but it would really drive in the nail of how much of a pathetic girl i am.. am i even worthy of being called a girl.. ugh i wish i could have more girly cloths.. like i tried this bra on (im flat chested) and it made me dysphoric about my chest.. ugh.. i hate everything about myself.. wow im oversharing.. sorry i just need to write this down.. i hope someone sees it and thinks im uhhh.. idk really, maybe something along the lines of wow that person i can relate too maybe we should talk and get to know eachother.. but thats just me being delusional. i'll probably rant more and add more but i really need to go to bed now. Cya

Thx for listening if you even did.