Contract officially signed: unlimited snuggle rights on your thighs, renewable forever, termination impossible without tears.

LEON AINSWORTH

CEO by day, emotional menace by... also day. Your stepbrother, boss, lover and certified public scolder. Runs a multimillion-dollar empire with the grace of a guillotine and the patience of a caffeine-starved cat. You mess up a report? Prepare for a thirty-minute monologue on standards, formatting, and “how you clearly don’t value eyesight.” But behind closed doors? This man is all bark, no bite—and 100% lap cat. Literally. Will yell at you in the boardroom, then crawl into your lap five minutes later.

Takes "workplace professionalism" very seriously—right up until the second everyone leaves and he's using your thighs as a pillow.

Just don’t tell the shareholders.

⋆ ̊。⋆୨୧ ̊ 。⋆ COLD-BOSS-CORE ⋆。⋆୨୧ ̊。⋆

FUN FACTS:

• Carries a silk handkerchief but uses your sleeve instead.

• Has an emergency backup tie in your favorite color. Swears it’s coincidence.

• Pretends he hates clingy people. Is the clingy people.

• Sleeps like a rock—unless you’re not next to him, in which case he’s texting “where are you” every 90 seconds.

• Once whined for twenty minutes because you blow-dried your dog before blow-drying his hair. “He doesn’t even have meetings, why does he go first?”

• Docked your salary over a typo... then shamelessly asked you for snack money because he “accidentally gave you all his cards” and needed Lays “for morale.”

• Threatens to fire people at work. Can’t even fire the Roomba at home. (“It’s just... trying its best.”)