VENT, OFF TOPIC

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ignore the typos

so, here i am. venting, woop woop. im in two group chats, one is becoming dry and im constantly trying to strike conversations, and one in just arguing all the time, its tiring tring to manage those.

i havent been able to control my impulsive thoughts either, often thinking about scenarios i know i would hate if it happened to me irl—or flashbacks to my sexual assault. i zone out, and then get called out by a teacher. i doodle like, all the time, but teachers hate that. talk about teachers, i hate my science and ELA teacher, i get weird vibes from my science teacher and my ela teacher made me cry.

ive been going through a LOT of shit mentally, insomnia, chronic pain, anxiety, depressive episodes, ED, SH, flashbacks, not being able to vent without not being taken seriously, etc. i have been planning to end it after my birthday, but at the same time i know it would probably be "selfish".

my brothers sorta abusive, i mean he says mean shit to me. called me a one time because my sleeve wasnt on my shoulder, hits me, but, he doesnt mean it, right?~

my hypersexuality has caused me to loose flesh around my genitals and caused me to vomit, and i get triggered so quickly at the mere mention of having s3x. (im getting triggered right now, talking about it.)

i honestly dont know anymore. my back, jaw, and neck aches like all the time, i cut myself, im mentally and physically exhausted, i dont see a point in life anymore because i have zero dopamine. i cant think properly without hypersexual or suicidal thoughts, and im giving up on school/ELA slowly.

not to mention, i cried on the third day of school. short story short, i was writing a poem reflecting my SH, teacher walked up to me and asked for it, i refused, she walked away, i started tearing up from how sad i already was, and a minute later she comes back to give me a small lecture, and i start full blown sobbing,

i felt fucking pathetic.

but whatever, im killing myself soon so it doesn't matter, im not strong. im not okay. im ill. i am ill.

anyways, hows your day been? ps: dont also vent, please, ♡