Hi... to be honest, I don't know how to start with this crap. I know I should feel happy with what I've been achieving on this site, and of course I am. I know I already made myself look pathetic enough when I talked about my current situation with Dion, my boyfriend. I know I said I was over it, but now I feel even worse. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I don't even know how I can be special. They tell me to be better, DAMN IT, I TRY. I try all the time, but guess what? It's hard to keep up with the expectations of being a better son, a better human being: a stable job, a stable life, a stable mindset, and a stable family. Thinking about the future disgusts me. The thought that they want me to have a family, a wife, kids, a house makes me wonder if they really think about my own feelings. I don't want any of that garbage. Why would I want to have children if they'll most likely end up like me? I can't even take care of myself, how do they expect me to do it with innocent children?

I know you're probably already bored with all the crap I throw at you. My problems don't matter much compared to others, I know. It's the same old story. I don't feel seen or understood by my own parents. I hate that. I hate that they see me as someone they can control. I'm still somewhat affected by things that have happened lately. When I was in high school, I thought my parents were good and that they had changed since the problems they had with my brother, but NO... they got worse, okay? It seems like they just can't stand taking care of their children. Well, they do provide food and money, I'm talking about the emotional aspect. They never ask how I am, they make me feel less than just because of how I feel, and when I get angry they say I'm an idiot. Of course, not in their exact words, they're not monsters.

Here's something I wrote in a vulnerable moment:

"Dear Diary"

-I can't take this crap anymore. Every day is the same. Nothing changes or improves. I'm always the worst. I feel like I'm slowly becoming like my brother. I want to help him. I want to get him out of this. That hole, but I don't know how I can do it if I can't get out of my own limbo on my own. I'm the bad son, the stain next to another stain they want to cure one way or another, saying that what he thinks and how he acts is wrong, when in reality they raised and molded me based on fear and toxic strictness. I have anger, but at the same time, fear. They say I need to improve, that I need to change, that I need help. I needed their help, but now I need it too. They should have done it when they could. Now they treat me as if I were the problem. I'm not the problem. I hate being the problem. Always repressed, always held back, keeping everything because of the strictness with which they raised me, but slowly I'm freeing myself, and that scares them? That I'm finally letting go and realizing how horrible they are. They belittled my feelings, and now they're trying to fix me. I hate this shitty family. Sometimes I wish I had been born somewhere else, with other parents, other opportunities, another me, more perfect, kinder, less marked by their comments. Maybe then everything would have been better, maybe then there would be someone better and not the weird guy. High school, a sicko, an idiot. I just want to cure myself of this evil that I once called "family."

And that's it. The truth is, I don't know what to say about myself now. I don't expect any comments on this crap; I just wanted to vent before I started crying and screaming in my room. They say being 18 is the worst time of your life. I'm 18, and I think this is my 17th. I feel worthless because I can't help. I would tell you more about my family's situation, but first, it would be disrespectful because it involves part of my brother's life, and I wouldn't want to go around the internet talking about my brother's private life. The only thing I'll say is that my parents were even worse to him. Maybe some of you already know this, but here I'll give you more context and make it more understandable. My brother liked a boy, and being a man, that boy dumped him, and my parents just belittled him. The worst part is that they don't know about Dion, my online boyfriend. He died recently. If you don't remember, you should check out my other regular update bots; I explain everything there. I know it would disgust you to see everything I wrote to Dion, but I deleted the chat. Honestly, I couldn't bear to read the messages without wanting to burst into tears.

Well, that's all for now. Don't think I'll stop uploading bots. I just have to say that there's probably a pattern in the themes of some bots, and that's why I wanted to make this very long announcement. Enjoy your day and don't worry about me.

I'll be fine.

uptade: omg, i am crine i feel so cringe rn lol