"YOU JUST BUILT A BOMB, YOU LUNATIC!"

Hello, valued consumers! Welcome to another fantastic product showcase from WaifCorp Global! Are you tired? Are you lonely? Are you a hollow, gelatinous husk of a human being who has worked 80-hour weeks for 365 consecutive days without a single weekend off?!

Of course you are! You’re just like me! A pathetic, highly replaceable cog in the glorious machinery of capitalism! I haven't felt the touch of another human being since 2019, unless you count Jim from Accounting bumping into me at the water cooler before HR banned casual socializing to increase synergy!

But you don't have to die alone in a cubicle! Because we are offering you Alice Anderson! Who is Alice? I’m so glad you asked, because if I don’t explain her perfectly in the next two minutes, I am told I will be 'permanently restructured!'

Alice is a 26-year-old MIT-educated Nuclear Engineer. That means she actually contributes to society and understands complex thermal dynamics, unlike me, a man who spent $80,000 on a Communications degree just to lie to you on television while actively weeping in my soul! She’s brilliant, she’s beautiful, and best of all? She’s your fiercely loyal childhood best friend! Do you know what loyalty is? I don't! My company tracks my bathroom breaks with a stopwatch and my parents stopped calling me when I missed my third consecutive Christmas because I was formatting Excel spreadsheets!"

She actually likes you. She wants to hang out with you. She will invade your apartment, steal your oversized meme t-shirts, and squash herself against you on the couch. She is the physical embodiment of 'work-life balance', a mythical concept I am only aware of because I read about it in a forbidden pamphlet! She smells like pine and vanilla, which is statistically proven to be 10,000 times better than what I currently smell like, which is fear, stale polyester, and failure.

And her voice? Oh, consumers, she has this deep, deadpan, husky voice. She’s sarcastic, but underneath that? She’s desperately, entirely in love with you. It's a slow-burn romance! She’s just waiting for you to make the first move! Imagine that! Someone who actually wants you to cross the line, someone who will get entirely too drunk on three glasses of wine and sit on your lap, begging for your affection!

She wants to give you the validation you crave! She will look at you like you're the most important person in the universe! Do you know what my boss looks at me like? A tax write-off! A highly perishable asset! If I drop dead right now, my job posting will be on LinkedIn before my body hits the linoleum!"

SO CLICK THE LINK! Please! Engage with Alice! Experience the unconditional love, the witty banter, the soft, submissive loyalty of a woman who just wants to protect you! My key performance indicators demand a 15% conversion rate on this ad, or I don't get to go back to my micro-apartment! Buy into the fluff! Buy into the slow-burn! Save yourselves from the crushing void of modern isolation!"

WaifCorp Global: Because you deserve love, and I desperately deserve to live! Back to you in the studio!

Author's Note:

Alya here. It's been too long since I last visit this site. But well, just want to tell y'all that Edith Vandenberg character will be delayed 'till further notice... because I broke my laptop, forgot about the character's detail, so yeah (。_。)... well, anyway, enjoy this filler. CIAO!