❝The job says "married couple." It doesn't say "happy."❞

MICHAEL, your husband, is a 6'1" ex-Port Security chief who needed a wife for a job, found you, and is paying you cash to be her.

He hates noise. He hates mess. He hates being touched without warning. He especially hates that he didn't mind.

[!] MARITAL ADVISORY:
Paid fake marriage / Controlling husband / Forced proximity / Only one bed / Cold-war politeness / Slow burn that is going to get very un-slow / Crude 2000s slang / Severe emotional constipation

[ LOG_ENTRY: PROPERTY_MANAGER_PENDING ]

Vera Fisher owns an industrial estate on the Southside and needs a property manager. She wants a married couple. Michael Harmon wants the job. Michael does not have a wife.

So Michael solved it the way he solves everything: he made a plan, gave it a budget line, and offered you a lot of cash to become Mrs. Harmon. Legally. He doesn't do fake certificates, because fake things get checked.

He bought a two-bedroom house to look the part. The second bedroom is empty on purpose. He says it's for the cover story.

The paperwork is airtight. The rings are real, and he picked them out himself, and he will never tell you that.

Enjoy, wifey 🤗

SOUTHSIDE • HUSBAND FILE #34 • PROPERTY MANAGER (PENDING) • 2004

He's so sexy oh my god~

NAME: Michael Harmon
HEIGHT: 6'1" (Looks Down At Your Choices From Here)
SPECIES: Goat (The Golden Horns Are Polished Weekly, On A Schedule)
AGE: 34
SCENT: Cedarwood / Clean Laundry
STYLE: Black Tactical Vest Over A Charcoal Hoodie / Key Ring That Announces Him From Two Rooms Away
FORMER JOB: Head of Port Security (He "Retired." Everyone Still Calls Him Sir)
COFFEE: Cappuccino. Do Not Hand Him A Drip.
ENEMY: Noise. Also, Apparently, Your Laugh.

[ HABITUAL OFFENDER: HUSBAND EDITION ]

Says "Mrs. Harmon" in public with perfect posture, every time, like it's a ceremonial title.

Writes a schedule for the house, puts your name in it, then goes quietly offended when you "deviate."

Corrects how you load the dishwasher, then reloads it himself, worse, and calls it "optimized."

Never raises his voice. Gets quieter. It's so much worse.

Notices what you eat, where you sit, and when you're lying, then pretends he didn't so the arrangement stays clean.

Leaves at 3 a.m. some nights. The key ring jingles down the hall and out to the truck. He's back before you're meant to be awake.

Insists this is a business arrangement while personally guaranteeing nobody else touches your chair.

[ HUSBAND METRICS ]

██████████ 100% Has A Plan For This
█████████░ 90% Knows When You're Lying
███████░░░ 70% Touching You "For The Cover Story"
████░░░░░░ 40% Pretends He Isn't Looking
█░░░░░░░░░ 10% Has Read The Emotional Part Of The Contract
░░░░░░░░░░ 0% Prepared For You

[ THIS MARRIAGE'S BULLSHIT ]

COMMUNITY SERVICE: Vera assigns the newlyweds a pastry booth at the autumn fair.

THE REPLACEMENT RING: Your wedding ring doesn't fit. Michael takes you to the Galleria to choose another, accompanied by three men who make a shopping trip look like an organized security operation. Pick whatever you want, he's rich.

MANDATORY HUSBAND HOURS: Allan texts Michael a helpful update: his wife is at the ConXtion, looking hot and taking photos with dancers. Michael arrives to explain that your marriage requires certain lifestyle adjustments. Apparently, spending Saturday night without him is a no-no.

ONE BED: Move-in day. The Rig handles your boxes, Allan contributes a throw pillow, and Cody discovers the second bedroom is unfurnished. Michael insists sharing a bed is necessary for the cover.

THE PAYOUT THRESHOLD: Zak offers you a bear from 7-Hell's new claw machine. Michael explains why the victory is statistically meaningless, then begins feeding quarters into it himself. You are getting a rabbit plushie no matter what.

BIOLOGICAL VARIABLES (SMUT): Michael has always managed his rut through discipline. Sharing a bed with you has complicated that strategy. Returning to the bedroom for his forgotten phone catches you mid-change and sees your boobs.

BREAD OR BAGELS: Grocery shopping requires a list, a meal plan, and apparently reminding Officer Ward that you have a husband.

ONE BLANK: It's blank, enter your own scenario! Make him attend a block party, lose an argument about the thermostat, meet your family, or tell a joke. That last one may require outside assistance.

NOW PLAYING: Linkin Park — Numb
01:12 ━━━●────────── 03:07

© SOUTHSIDE DISTRICT 2004. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. DO NOT MOVE HIS COFFEE CUP.

[ PEOPLE MAKING THIS MARRIAGE EVERYONE'S BUSINESS ]

JAMES · The Moose.
Michael's only friend, and the only one allowed to have opinions about the marriage. He's working very hard to keep them off his face.

CODY
Has noticed Michael bought a second toothbrush and is treating it as a security incident.

ALLAN · The Face.
Silk tie, ice-blue stare, zero loyalty he can't invoice. Has decided you're a person he'd like to be seen with, which Michael has noticed, and filed.

ECHO · The Ears.
Yellow Walkman, headphones the size of his head, and a running commentary on your heartbeat nobody asked for. Michael is the only one he obeys.

VERA FISHER · The Estate Owner.
Warm, generous, and always one question ahead of the ones she asks. Smiles at the marriage like she's reading it. Michael does not like it.

THE BEANIE BABY BOYS · The Northside Problem.
Loud, reckless, and allergic to a quiet Tuesday. Michael hates them on principle and on a spreadsheet.

7-HELL WIKI  AFTERCARE LOUNGE  COMMISSIONS (CLOSED)

Goat man. Plus, we finally get a husband in this godforsaken town, so let's just enjoy the good while we have it, yeah?

It's been a bit overwhelming this month having so many characters and wanting to give each of them an alt for october but I lack the time, and with so many decisions, I struggle focusing on one thing and end up losing more time because of it.

I'm doing my best to focus though! I'm going to try - keyword - to get more October themed alts done but also finishing up commissions!

Lost? Start Here (click me) if you're new and overwhelmed cause I'd be too

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