A note from me, written in a quiet moment

Content note: illness, hospitals, and mortality.

I'm writing this during a small window of clarity — one of the rare moments where the pain steps back just enough to let me think straight. I don't know how long it'll last, so I'm using it to reach out to you all, even though part of me is terrified to.

I've been going back and forth about whether to say anything at all. There's this voice in my head that keeps whispering that I'll seem pathetic, that I'm making too big a deal out of things, that I should just quietly disappear until I'm better and come back like nothing happened. But I think you deserve honesty. And honestly — I'm scared.

A few days ago I was rushed to the ER. My vasculitis has been worsening. The skin lesions had been getting harder to ignore, and then came the chest pain, the difficulty breathing, and bloodwork that showed my kidneys are struggling. The doctors have told me that plasmapheresis is now urgent — not optional, not "soon" — urgent.

And in between all the beeping machines and the blood draws and the moments where the world starts dissolving at the edges in ways I can't quite describe, my mind keeps running through a list of worries that have nothing to do with me:

What happens to my cats? Are they okay right now, at home without me?

What about the hospital bills? How much will this all cost? Where will the money come from?

What about my members — will they feel abandoned?

The plans I made with people. The novel I had to put on hold. The promises.

My doctor actually told me to stop. He said that this constant putting of everyone else first is part of what brought my body to this breaking point. I was so afraid to disappoint anyone that I kept pushing, and pushing, and pushing, until I ended up here.

I'm trying to listen to him. I'm trying.

To my Patreon and Ko-fi members — please don't worry. I prepared ahead. Your alt scenario bots, new bots, short stories, and comics are queued and will go out this week as normal. Snail mails and social media were done in advance. The Dominic giveaway bot is scheduled for its release date. Even from this hospital bed, I made sure you were taken care of.

That's how much you all mean to me.

I don't know when I'll be back. I genuinely don't. And that uncertainty is one of the hardest things I've ever had to sit with — not for my own sake, but because I hate the thought of leaving a void for people who've given me so much.

You made me believe my writing is worth something. Do you understand what that means to someone like me? You gave that to me.

I've asked for help from you guys too much already. I've never wanted to feel like a burden to this community, and I won't start now. All I ask is for a little privacy and grace while I fight this.

I'll be back. I intend to be back when I get better. I don't know how long it'll take but I hope I do get better and return.

And when I am — there's so much more I want to create for you.

Until then I hope everyone is doing fine and if not I hope things get better for you.

Bye for now.

With all the appreciation and gratefullness,

Aster

I WANT TO MAKE IT CLEAR SO THE MODS DO NOT TAKE THIS DOWN THAT I AM NOT BEGGING FOR YOU GUYS TO DONATE. Yes, it would be great to recieve help from you guys so I can afford treatment and not risk dying, but I'm not here begging for donations. My hospital bill right now has amounted to $1.8k and thanks to the support before to help me reach my goal I'm able to reduce it down to $1.3k. I don't know how I'm going to pay for that but I'll think about it next time. I'm only mentioning my ko-fi since some have asked how and where they can help. That is all.

If you wish to help there is my Ko'-fi, but I highly encourage you only do so if you have room to do so. I don't want my announcement to make anyone feel like they're morally obligated or something to help me.

I got asked what happened to the goalpost. I didn't post it here since I feel bad after hearing a few people think I'm exaggerating my sickness... Sorry I didn't initially include it here. I was $96 away from my goal, but I didn't expect I'll end up in this position early on so I'm sorry things didn't as planned. Felt wrong to post the progress when the plan is now in shambles. Sorry.

ALL THE SUPPORT THAT YOU GIVE IN KO-FI AND PATREON WILL HELP ME AFFORD MY VASCULITIS MEDICATION AND FOOD FOR MY RESCUE CATS TO GET THROUGH THE MONTH SO I CAN KEEP MAKING BOTS FOR YOU ALL.

You can now get these on Ko-fi and Patreon:

★ Read exclusive alternate scenarios (SFW + spicy ones ) and new original bots that won’t be on JanitorAI

★ Enjoy short stories featuring your favourite characters

★ And even read the Arcadia novel — chapters, lore, and all its chaos!

★ Reader x char stories

★ You become part of the May Snail Mail Club!

★ Patreon (for memberships and snail mail): https://janitorai.com/external-link?to=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.patreon.com%2Fc%2FAsterBellerose

★ Ko-fi (This is both for memberships, snail mail, commissions, or simple tips/donation to help):
https://ko-fi.com/snifflesnaps

★ You can follow me on Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/velmorienpost?igsh=MXRyMWh3M3FweHQxcQ%3D%3D

Feel free to join the my Discord server for updates and random stuff:
https://discord.gg/s4XpJu7VzX