Uhhh random vent ig

A lot of stuff js happend w me and my dad n shit, but it’s rlly private stuff. But to put it in short, my dads an alcoholic and has been one way before I was born. He only does fun stuff w me but never does anything important w me. He never listens to me, and always makes my mum do all the important stuff (they are divorced). My mum is a single mum who’s struggling financially, while my dad and step mum are wealthy. My step mum doesn’t believe mydad had an addiction and helps him drink. And when ever he wants to help out my mum w important stuff, he always screws it up and makes it even more harder, therefore an argument happends. I never answer his calls bc henever listens, I don’t have anything interesting to say, and he slurs. We had a huge argument and ofc that bitch of a step mum had to intervene bc she „needs to be included“ tho she’s not my god damn parent. Now she’s probably gonna scream at me, which I’m scared of. Plus, today I thought I finally made a friend (I don’t have any friends irl anymore (all of them went to college (when we met I was a freshman and they were seniors (I’m a sophomore), but he saw my copy of Marx and started to criticize me and communism/marxism in front of the whole club (bc it was during a club), and I was so embarrassed. And guess what? He’s friends w my ex, the fucking ex who made fun of my old friend for going to a mental hospital for trying to commit and made fun of my friends for being „nerds“. Also? I don’t even think I’m nonbinary anymore. I think I’m either ftm or a demiboy. I love dressing feminine, but I hate being a girl.. it doesn’t feel right at all. I always felt like I didn’t belong and felt like I was in the wrong body. Growing up I would hang out w the boys bc I felt like I belonged, but I also felt very envious of them. thought being nonbinary would make me feel happy. And it did, but now I’m realizing that it’s not the correct label. Even when I came out to being nonbinary to 3 of my friends, I still felt envious of boys. Maybe I’m a Demi boy, I’m not sure, bc I like when I confuse ppl w my gender. But ftm makes me feel happy, safe, and makes me feel like I belong. But if I would have become ftm, it wouldn’t make sense bc I would most definitely be a femboy. But I feel like I’m also faking it bc I like feminine stuff and I’ve always loved those stuff. And I would dissapoint my dads side of the family, along w most of my mums side. They are all leaning right (while I’m a Marxist-Leninist (type of communism), and all most all of them don’t support trans ppl, and basically don’t support ppl. I would tell my mum, but my mum would use it against me during an argument, and the I would crawl back into a hole. It’s js so sickening to constantly having gender identity issues. I thought I was genderfluid but I still felt the same, I was js trying to find a label. I just want to feel seen.