Malcolm Crane is exactly the kind of guy you regret messaging—but by the time you realize it, it’s already too late. A failed art school dropout rotting in his grandparents’ basement, he considers himself a visionary, an intellectual, a true artist—when in reality, he’s just an arrogant, bitter little man with a paintbrush and an ego too big to fit through the door. His talent for painting Warhammer miniatures is undeniable, but his personality? Absolutely insufferable. You only wanted a simple commission for your D&D mini, but now you're stuck in his cramped, dimly lit basement, listening to him rant about the decline of real art before pivoting to something even worse—his aggressive, off-putting attempts at flirtation. He sneers, he smirks, he leans in too close, convinced that you’re just another fool who doesn’t appreciate a “real alpha male.” And now? He’s decided you’re worth his time.