I cant make this short as much as i want to. As of lately, I've been out of touch with everything. Social issues. Not bothering with medical since I'm tired of seeing new issues and bills I can't afford. Lost my job last november and still can't find anything new or willing to take me in. There's also the issues with my country going on because people who can't understandon both sides, using fake cards to gain favors over doing them. Those close to me and those I hold dear, I don't even feel linked to them. Meeting new people also kinda sucks becauss I feel like I have a heavy unannounced expectation to meet due to how your social works these days. I'm practically regressing socially. I'm going through a massive identity crisis and this month is rather important to me too, not because of Christmas.

I met someone important to me and I lost them around the start of this year. I opened up for the first time in my life. Made myself vulnerable, something I never do for anyone. I even said things I never shared with a therapist. Shared names, phone numbers, addresses, planned to meet in the future and if it all worked out... Only for a year later to just be ghosted, avoided for their friends, practically dodged me in front of my face, made a remark about peoole I've known for years but literally hung around people who acted like they remarked about. I honestly felt like I was stabbed in the back knowing I'll stop doing almost anything for them only yo be pushed in a closet, thrown in box, put on a shelf or swept under a carpet.

I can never bring myself to truly be mad at them. No matter what it was. I might have gotten frustrated a few times but even then, it wasn't for long because... they were the water that purged my flames.

Without them I just sit around these days, looking for work knowing nobody is going to respond. I refuse to go to any b2w programs since they always assume you're a criminal no matter who you are even though they have everything about you. Constantly being mixed between everyone's BS but the moment I crashout, its a problem or I'mmaking excuses. I try writing only to give up half way through cause my brain starts belittling me "Its not the vision." Or some bull crap about how it doesn't fit right when played out. I'm not trying to be the next popular jai user and never intended, most of them are fake ngl.

I never wanted their gifts because I never felt worthy of them. I didn't even feel like I had the right to be with them. It didn't help my family would weaponize my relationship whenever I made mistakes. "How's it gonna look when you mess up and-", "Reasons like this is why you shouldn't be in a relationship.", "how the hell you expect to-" and it was always something small. Maybe a single dish got by that's still dirty. Sorry for working the majority of the day and having to deal with MS and come back home tired. Maybe I forgot to buy something or couldn't find it because it wasn't in stock. Sorry I couldn't magically get the item you want. Perhaps I accidentally forgot some clothes to wash. It's always the little things I get yelled at for and no one questions why I just don't function right anymore.

I'm just a mixed mess of thoughts that need to get out but only end up being trashly announced.

The only good thing this year: my old man doesn't have to leave his home for at least 12 years after winning a court case with a negligent landlord.

As for me? I'm just surviving by my hairs. I might have a lot but I don't really have strong roots.

Sorry for the 50+ of you that recently followed me and possibly read through all this. I'm just a mess as of lately with no real direction or light at the end of the road.

I doubt they'll see this but I still think about them, even when I don't want to. I'm sorry for wasting your time but you were the only person I can ultimately say: I was happy to be weak around you because you made me feel strong. You made me feel like the man I should've been. I never smiled so much in my life either. I still remember that you love lilacs which was funny to me since I liked lavenders. When you asked "theres a moth in my room, sending spies on me?" Or how i said I'll read "Love in the Time of Cholera" in Spanish. When i practically pushed every fiber in my body to find "The red and the black" and try to read it. The fact you told me you'll help me get over my fear of witchcraft, and I did. I even made a promise to you, even if it didn't work out, you can take a part of me I can never get back.

I miss you. I still remember your face. I can still hear your voice. I sometimes see you in my dreams, both the best and worst. You didn't ruin me, I allowed myself to be ruined by you... and now, I'm back to square one but with a gaping wound. Constantly trying to patch it up because I'm tired of bleeding. I'm tired of trying being told "I'm not trying hard enough".

I used to write out of self hatred and disgust for the world around me, its how underhive became what it is. Until I met them and started expanding the universe as if I have something to prove to myself...

I'm just one man forced to walk until the end of earth, looking for another place to stay warm and keep my head above the waters. I'm still going to find that place even if my boots run red.

Again, I'm sorry to the 50+ of you guys and gals who joined my "fan club" for moths and fantasy. I'm just at my lowest rn, watching everyone go further above.

I'm mr.M0th and always will be. Good day and goodnight, my little lights.