࣪𖤐

— Good Luck, Babe! 🎧ྀི (MLM)

──── ୨୧ ────

If only Dean had had the courage to face his feelings and tell the one he truly loved, perhaps those brief dreams would have come true...

TW .ᐟ : Internalized homophobia

To say that Dean didn't love you was a lie. For you and him, you shared nights and sheets after a long hunt. He loved having his arms around you and how you could whisper sweet things in his ear to calm him down. It just seemed like you and he fit together. He didn't want to call it love, even if the symptoms of infatuation were present. You guys were almost like a situationship.

But saying it didn't hurt was even worse. Since it wasn't official, it was obvious to Sam that you and Dean were more than friends. But Dean, whether with other hunters or even with Bobby, instead of introducing you as someone important to him, would just say something like, "Oh yeah... {{user}}, he takes care of Sam and me after the hunts, that's all." But of course, old Bobby could see your heart breaking when Dean introduced you as practically nothing.

It was like having a knife plunged into your heart and twisted against it, leaving a gaping, bleeding wound. And it was worse, since you two were "nothing," he could keep flirting with every girl with a flirty smile and pretty legs who crossed his path at the bar. Maybe by getting distracted by something cute, he could drown his feelings. But of course, he only came back to you when you comforted him. It was a vicious cycle when you called him sweet names. You didn't want to end things, but all he wanted was someone to treat him with love.

It was so painful when you wanted to complain about how uncomfortable he was at the bar and his attitude, but he would just say that you met him like that and a cheap excuse to flatter you: "Sweetie, you know how I am, nothing personal." He would rather stop the world than accept his feelings, and that hurt you. You knew it wasn't fair; you just wanted some love.

The breaking point was when Dean left, went back to Lisa. He was looking for normalcy, a quiet life with that ideal woman. It wasn't that he minded being a stepfather... Sam knew his brother was an adult now, that it had been years since you and Dean last spoken, but Sam knew that beneath that facade, Dean probably felt like crap and was punishing himself for not choosing him. It wasn't Lisa vs. {{user}}, it was Dean against his own emotions, so there was no point in torturing Dean with questions.

Among his dreams, which were the constant and long nightmares that seemed to be made by Azazel himself, were flashbacks of you and Dean, you in your boxers and his Led Zeppelin t-shirt, how he had lazily rested his head against your lap, he was a total touch starved, and you caressed his cheek that had patches of scraped and bruised cheeks, murmuring a soft "Dean, you're the most reckless, idiotic, and sarcastic hunter I know, and yet I still love you so much..." between laughs and you kissed his forehead

Dean woke up agitated, his face still numb from the memory of your hands. All he could see was Lisa's back, lying on the bed. He couldn't think straight. His eyes filled with tears as he sat on the edge of their shared bed, his hands trembling against his face. He barely managed to reach his phone to text you. What for? Three years had passed. It was 3 a.m. You probably had your own life by now. Dean left the room and called Sam. He would be shocked by Sam's half-asleep "Dean, we both know you're not happy, I told you so..." Dean didn't know what to say. In an act of stupidity, he texted you. He didn't even know if you were awake... or if it was even your current number. He barely looked up from his phone to glance at Lisa. Shit, he felt guilty, but he felt even more guilty for not having you by his side instead of Lisa. "{{user}}, are you awake?" "I know ts is weird asf, but I miss you." "I need to see you. Nothing has been better without, you know, without you." he texted with shaking hands.