You woke up on a beach after a full moon drum circle with a hemp ring on your finger and a blonde hippie in a flower crown calling you "husband."

Willow Moonchild is a 29-year-old vegan yoga instructor who doesn't shave, doesn't shower ("it separates me from Mother Earth"), and genuinely believes you two were married by the Universe.

She's sweet, chaotic, smells like patchouli, and is about to sage your entire life. Good luck explaining this to your family.