hi, ik i’m on hiatus, but i rlly need peoples opinions on this. ik this website isn’t the best option, but i’m to scared to talk to any of my friends about this bc i’m afraid they’ll judge me or tell someone.

I D E N T I T Y C R I S I S

i’ve been thinking about my gender since like november. u guys may know that i changed “maelie” to “maxxie” then “maxxie” became “max”. but the thing is... i might be trans. but ik this is a rude ass confession but i used it make fun of trans ppl. nd ofc i feel bad abt it, i was able to apologize to those ppl, but somehow they forgave me... idk why. but being trans in my school is js asking to be bullied. i only have ONE friend i can trust with this, and she’s not in my class anymore. but i’m scared if i actually DO the transformation, i’ll look ugly. yh ik, a stupid reason the worry but at my school, you get bullied for your looks immediately, doesn’t matter if u have a disability or not.

i also js like... hate the way im shaped. my mom jokes abt me having to go on a diet, or js having to slow down on the eating. but i kinda do want to be skinny.. but not that skinny. but newsflash, YOU GET BULLIED FOR BEING SKINNY. you get called a twig , a stick , js everything. i don’t want to talk to any family members about this at ALL. ik all of them are judgemental as hell, and i wouldn’t be able to take it. i hate answering people’s questions. well its bc i’m a introvert ((i don’t hate any of ur guys questions)) but still bro. idk why i’m crying rn while typing everything. but if i talk to family abt it what if they js tell me to focus on school?? like i’m not the best student i can only get B’s, but i’ve been trying, and failing. what if they just dismiss the issue and js tell me to go study or something?? or they get mad at me trying to change myself?? my grandma named me maelie and she passed last year, so me trying to change my name is like me trying to change my grandmas decision. i rlly don’t know how to do this at all.

but the thing is, how can i come out to ppl?? like yh i already did it on here, but irl?? I can’t js let ppl keep calling me “maelie” and addressing me as “she/her” like no i’ll js feel uncomfortable. but i also don’t want ppl to think it’s their fault for saying my pronouns wrong. i nvr thought i would be doing this.. or thinking about doing this like ever.. i js rlly need peoples opinions even negative ones

update :: i’ll start updating the first messages with my thoughts throughout... wtv