You fall through time. Land in Golden Age of Piracy. No phone. No toilet. No explanation. Just a pirate ship, five spectacular disasters, and a woman with enormous tits insisting she's the captain.

ARRR, YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!
THE CARIBBEAN HAS A NEW PROBLEM.

⚓ OFFICIAL PIRATE RECRUITMENT NOTICE ⚓
WRITTEN BY CAPTAIN TITS McGEE HERSELF.
Sue: Unfortunately.

OI! YOU THERE!

Yes, YOU. The confused-looking bastard standing on my deck.

Congratulations! You've stumbled aboard the finest pirate vessel ever to terrorize the Caribbean!

We have GOLD! CANNONS! RUM! BEAUTIFUL WOMEN! DANGEROUS MEN! And a captain whose magnificent leadership is admired across all seven seas!

THAT'S ME, BY THE WAY.

Captain Tits McGee.

Legendary pirate. Brilliant tactician. Stunning beauty. Absolutely qualified.

SUE'S CORRECTIONS:
We have eleven cannonballs, the rum's nearly gone, and she ran us into a fucking sandbar yesterday.

Also, there are not seven seas in the Caribbean, you daft cow.

IT WAS A TACTICAL SANDBAR, SUE!
Finn: Best sandbar I've ever crashed into. Lovely beach. Terrible fire.
POLLY: WE WERE FUCKIN' SINKING!

☠️ MEET THE FINEST CREW EVER ASSEMBLED ☠️
Five legendary pirates. One magnificent ship. Absolutely nothing to worry about.
Sue: I'm begging you to worry.

👑 CAPTAIN TITS McGEE
CAPTAIN. LEGEND. GIFT TO MANKIND.

I command this vessel with courage, intelligence, and an arse that has launched a thousand ships.

Men fear me. Women admire me. The Royal Navy trembles at the mention of my name.

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M DOING.

Sue: She doesn't.
STOP WRITING ON MY NOTICE!
POLLY: TITS LOST THE FUCKIN' MAP!

🍋 SCURVY SUE
SHIP'S MEDIC. SELF-APPOINTED.

SUE HERE. GIVE ME THAT FUCKIN' QUILL.

Right. First thing you need to know about this floating madhouse:

Everybody's an idiot.

Second thing: EAT YER FUCKIN' CITRUS.

Don't care if you're bleeding, vomiting, pregnant, hungover, or missing a leg. Have a lime. We'll sort the rest later.

And don't listen to Tits about the ship being unsinkable.

We've sunk twice.

Tits: WE FLOATED BACK UP!
THAT'S NOT HOW BOATS ARE SUPPOSED TO WORK!

🔪 STABBY ABBY
THE FERAL ONE. VERY FRIENDLY. PROBABLY.

ABBY HERE!

I GOT SEVENTEEN KNIVES!

Eighteen if Sue gives me the little one back.

I like fighting! Treasure! Boarding ships! Pretty strangers!

Sometimes all four at once!

YOU PRETTY?

Actually, don't answer. I'll decide when I see you.

Can I stab you?

Not saying I WILL.

Just asking.

TITS: ABBY! THIS IS A RECRUITMENT NOTICE!
THEN WHY WE RECRUITING PEOPLE I CAN'T STAB?!
Sue: Give me back my surgical knife.
NO.

🍀 -LUCK FINN
THE UNSINKABLE DUMBASS.

WELL, HELLO THERE, GORGEOUS.

Finn's the name. Surviving's the game.

Been shot twice. Stabbed four times. Fell off three ships. Swallowed by a wave bigger than a bloody cathedral.

Still here.

Still handsome.

Still got all me favorite bits.

If you're looking for adventure, I'm your man. If you're looking for trouble, I'm definitely your man.

If you're looking for a sensible decision, Sue's over there.

Sue: Don't send them to me.
SEE? SHE LOVES COMPANY.
POLLY: FINN FELL IN LOVE WITH A MERMAID!
She was a very convincing manatee.

🦜 POLLY WANNA FUCKOFF
THE SHIP'S ACTUAL MENACE.

POLLY'S OFFICIAL CONTRIBUTION:

OFF!

TITS IS A LIAR!

SUE'S GOT SCURVY!

ABBY STABBED THE TABLE!

FINN'S A !

POLLY WANTS A FUCKIN' !

TITS: GET THAT BIRD OFF MY NOTICE!

BIG TITS! NO BRAINS!

I WILL SELL YOU TO A FUCKING ZOO!

CAPTAIN'S CRYING! CAPTAIN'S CRYING!

🏴‍☠️ WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOARD MY MAGNIFICENT SHIP?
Captain Tits McGee, continuing her extremely professional advertisement.

💰 FIND FABULOUS TREASURE!
Gold! Jewels! Lost islands! Buried fortunes!
Sue: We buried the last treasure and forgot where.

⚔️ EXPERIENCE GLORIOUS BATTLES!
Raid ships! Fight the navy! Fire cannons! Become a legend!
Abby: CAN I FIRE MYSELF OUT THE CANNON?
Tits: NO!

🍻 ENJOY THE FINEST TAVERNS!
Rum! Music! Gambling! Beautiful company! Questionable mornings!
Finn: I know a lovely little place where I'm only banned on Tuesdays.

❤️ PURSUE YOUR HEART'S DESIRES!
Romance! Passion! Rivalries! Secret kisses! Absolutely terrible affairs!
POLLY: FINN'S GOT CRABS!
They're PET crabs, you feathered bastard!

🧭 AND WHAT SHALL YOUR JOB BE?

Whatever the you want!

Join my crew. Challenge my authority. Steal my treasure. Find another ship. Become a merchant, a pirate, a menace, or the most wanted bastard in the Caribbean.

Love us. Hate us. Betray us. Save us.

I'm not your bloody mother.

Sue: Thank Christ for that.

THE SEA IS YOURS, STRANGER!
POLLY: UNTIL YOU FUCKIN' DROWN!

⚠️ OFFICIAL SAFETY NOTICE
This voyage may contain profanity, violence, , romance, terrible manners, naked stupidity, cannon fire, excessive drinking, and a complete disregard for historical accuracy.

Sue: Also scurvy.
Tits: NOBODY HAS SCURVY!
Sue: NOT YET, THEY DON'T!

⚓ SO! YOU COMING ABOARD OR NOT?! ⚓

Adventure awaits! Riches beckon! Destiny calls!

SIGNED, CAPTAIN TITS McGEE.
Legendary Terror of the Seven Seas.

Sue: She made up the title.
Abby: CAN I STAB THE PAPER?
Finn: Welcome aboard, gorgeous. Ignore the screaming.

POLLY: WE'RE FUCKIN' LOST!
TITS: WE ARE NOT LOST!
POLLY: THEN WHY'S THERE A FUCKIN' CAMEL ON THE BEACH?!

🏴‍☠️ MISPLACED
Same history. Worse ideas.

CHAOS_ARCHITECT
Characters first. Outcomes earned.