Taking a break

"There's this hot, weird sensation in my head that I can only describe as a particularly stale vat of liquid just sloshing around my brain passively. Said vat of liquid is comprised of every negative feeling pent up inside of me- such as boredom, uncertainty, melancholy, doubts and whatnot, all impeding my causes of action and what I would truly want to do in reality.

I think that's been the source of my laziness and lack of progress this entire time, and that I should pour that vat of liquid out of my head so I can finally start moving forward, so I can finally focus on my true ambitions.

My goal this week is to flush that vat of liquid and purify myself, starting by taking care of myself.

2/16/2026

I can't afford to delay or postpone myself any longer, doing so would mean I'll always be stuck where I am currently, in the deepest pits of nihility and boredom."

Well, that was 162 days ago. Nothing changed.

You could say I'm depressed? But then again, I've always been depressed. Maybe this time I feel emptier than before.

I had an old diary two years ago, but I've burnt that one and threw the ashes away. There was an entry listing out the things I wanted to do since it was finally summer. I spent summer doing nothing. I also spent the summer after that doing nothing.

I think that if you oughta be successful in life, having hobbies or interests are crucial in determining what your future career path would be. One primary hobby as your main goal, and another secondary hobby as a backup for when you reconsider.

The problem is, I don't have any of those yet, or at least I don't consider myself to have one because I'm still confused and unsatisfied, maybe even disappointed.

This kind of gave me an existential crisis lately.

Would I want to be remembered by myself and others only as that one person who made dumb bots on a porn site? No, not at all.

I hate the world and everything in it. An ungrateful brat such as me who has all the time and resources to find what she truly wants, yet refrains from doing so because of... what, procrastination? It's not even funny anymore. Step out of your comfort zone. You are entirely dependent. You barely leave your room.

I don't know when it started, but sometimes, I'd randomly blurt out "I should " under my breath as some sort of absentminded sigh whenever something unfavorable or nothing happens. Isn't that enough of a sign that something is wrong?

Whatever the case may be, the only solution for me right now is to save myself, starting by searching for something I actually like doing.

Honestly, I'm scared in trying to do so. I've promised the exact same thing to myself countless times but ended up nowhere. I hope something changes this time. Then all of my problems would be solved, and I'd be happy again.

anyways enough with the mushy stuff!!! you don't usually see that side of me except on my previous vent posts!! basically ummmmmmm im gonna take a break for the entirety of the next month and MAYBE the month after that so i can fix myself

dont worry! im just in a bad mood while writing this!

uhhhhhhhhh is this even that deep

just go to therapy ffs

anyways heres one render for that uma bot i was working on but ive put on hold

not enough renders... must... make 500 renders... for one bot... then ruin it with mediocre writing...

ummm yeah

by the way in my absence help this dude out by filling his form so he can implement every yuigaling into a lorebook!!!