I've sat around for a while. I've been pondering, you might say.

After spending some time away, finally came to terms with my decision.

Until further notice,

I will be on an indefinite hiatus.

How does this differ from previous hiatuses? There's a potential I will never post again. Essentially, I'm quitting but I might return if I find some random resurgance of attachment to the site. The chance is slim, but life is weird like that.

I know a ton of BSD creators are quitting, and I understand why. Janitor don't be hitting anymore ngl.

I'm going to be switching to fanfiction! If you'd like to keep supporting me, you can check out my carrd to find the fanfic site I'll write on or follow my tumblr @anem0nita. Tumblr ain't a competitor site so methinks I can mention it.

I wanted to make a fanfic before posting this bot, but ngl that's gonna take me ages so I figured I'd post now instead of stringing y'all along with false hope that I'd make another bot.

I will NOT be removing any of my bots from my profile. They will remain up permanently unless removed by the moderation team.

I'm quite the yapster, so if this is my last yap, I might as well write a whole yapathon.

Over the past few months, I've written and rewritten a goodbye letter in my head on repeat. I had two "goodbye" bots like this one drafted in my private bot section. It's safe to say I've had my foot out the door for a while.

A few weeks ago, a video popped up on my Youtube recommended titled "This Was All I Ever Wanted. What Happened?" by theweeklyslap.

Watching that video put so many things into perspective for me. I am the rat constantly pushing the stupid button for validation in the form of numbers, reviews, etc. The goalposts are always shifting and honestly? Whenever I experienced some of the most horrible moments in my life these past few years, I was always anxious about how my bots were performing. I'd feel this horrible pit in my stomach and feel woozy whenever I thought about my account and chat counts. I cried to friends about the stupid numbers and perceived worthlessness compared to others.

When it comes to numbers, I realized something else:

Janitor is centered around numbers.

It's not something you can avoid or try to think about less, it's one of the first few things you see when you look at a bot. How could I put such things aside in my mind when they are so visible? Some other sites aren't this visible with numbers and that's for the best.

The fact that I feel anxious about quitting because I'm scared I'll lose followers or people will forget me is so so so telling about my mindset with this site. It's not about losing the site, it's losing what I've built. I hate myself for this weakness, but it's the truth.

I crossed my own boundaries by turning on proxies because I was terrified of losing numbers. I let myself get walked over because I was so desperate for some stupid pixels ln the screen.

My long term goals were to get a bot with 1 million chats and reach 10k. I reached one of them at least haha. I am a little disappointed about not reaching 10k but it's healthiest to let it go.

But, how do I want to be remembered? As a chatbot creator? If I stay, I'll repeat the same cycle over and over. Create a bot, feel disappointment over the numbers, rinse and repeat. Janitor is a content farm, and I finally realized this.

I had mentioned to my friends a while back that I saw myself being entirely done with the site by the end of 2026 at latest. I wanted to write fanfiction and eventually become a published author. It's time to make the choice to step away, take care of myself, and follow my dreams.

It's not just about numbers, though. I don't chat with bots at all anymore. Truly, it's because a computer doesn't hit the same as human writing. Human creativity is where it's at.

Over the past few months, I've been learning to draw (another dream of mine) and commissioning many artists. I've genuinely had SOOOO much fun with this. My wallet is dying but ARTISTS ARE SO PEAK I LOVE PAYING FOR ARTTT. Support artists y'all, seriously.

Plus, why should I feed words from my heart to a souless machine? Human creation is precious and AI is tarnishing it.

Let's not forget how AI is cooking the envioenment and the AI psychosis?? Wildly concerning ngl.

Plus, writing bots is a little constrictive. I like that bots are not a huge commitment compared to fanfiction but being unable to speak for user, work more with dialogue, etc forces me to write with too many guidelines.

Besides all of those exhausting matters, I feel like being online nowadays has become a pretty miserable experience. Years ago, I was always told: "It's those damn phones". I refused to believe that at the time, but man... it really is those damn phones 😭. I isolated myself from others because I struggled to make IRL friends, and that was a horrible mistake. Online, time passes fast, my mind feels drained and exhausted, and my life whizzes by as I stare at a device that makes me feel miserable.

I want to be offline more and actually live my life. I blocked youtube shorts and blocked any sites I spend a lot of time on (thx brave browser, you're the GOAT). I made my phone as boring as possible on purpose to focus on IRL matters.

If you're reading this and looking for a sign to step back from the internet, this is it. Life feels more fulfilling when you go offline. The best advice I have for spending less time on the internet is to replace your time on the internet with something else.

These past few years have been filled with hardship, grief, new friends, growth, and lots of silly shenanigans. I will always love Janitor for how it gave me a push to start writing and allowed me to meet so many wonderful friends. Some people have left such sweet reviews, and they made my day. All of you make me very happy. 7.5k is a large number. It's insane to imagine that so many people saw my writings. I genuinely can't wrap my head around the fact that so mamy people adore and idolize me. I still feel like a silly woman writing deranged silly things in my room. I am shy, but know I appreciate all of you sooo much. To all of you that have supported me, thank you.

I met a lot of amazing people through janitor. Some who I hope to meet IRL one day (Ily Selene, Moist, and Crab 😽). So I don't regret joining Janitor in the slightest.

I have a stalker!reader x model!dazai fic in the works right now lol. For those of you who wrote me requests... you might see them turned into fanfiction... 😳. Perhaps some beastzai... muehehe.

I know that all of this likely comes as a disappointment to many of you, especially my long-term fans (ily guys), as I've been here almost since the beginning of the site. When my favorite creators would quit, I'd be deadass devastated for a hot minute.

When it comes to endings and the subsequent grief, I always found comfort in one quote.

"Don't cry because it's over; Smile because it happened." (side note - there's speculation about who should be attributed with this quote. Some believe it's Dr. Seuss while others believe Ludwig Jacobowski originally wrote this)

Yeah, yeah, this quote is corny to some people, but I think it's neat.

If u have any questions, u can ask on Zaqa or in reviews.

So,

Goodbye. Thank you for all the support and kindness. I hope to see some of you on my fanfics when I finally finish em :).