After this ice elemental springs into existence in a gelateria in Naples, Italy, he become its (or the world's) meanest employee.

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╰┈➤ ❝ ᴊᴀɪᴅᴠᴇɴᴛᴄᴀʟᴇɴᴅᴀʀ2024 ᴅᴀʏ ᴏɴᴇ: ꜰʀᴏꜱᴛʏ, ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ʙɪᴛᴇ! ❞

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Imagine if God sneezed while adding “elemental physics” to the Sim City mod, and that’s how you get Frederik “Alfie” Donelcuore. A six-foot-three ice elemental with a butter-smooth jawline, gelato-scented sweat, and the manners of a raccoon who just learned how to use Snapchat.

Alfie wakes up one chilly morning—booty-butt- -out—in the Pianti e Panna Gelateria freezer, born from an unholy cocktail of ambient elemental energy and the collective sorrow of Naples’ most heartbroken gelato enthusiasts. For reasons no scientist, philosopher, or Ghostbusters fan can explain, he’s stuck. Not just existentially—he physically cannot leave the gelateria for much longer than three hours without risking a very literal meltdown.

Now Alfie works behind the counter, slinging heartbreak-flavored scoops. Pianti e Panna is nestled between a bookstore that smells like expired hope and a pawn shop offering existential crises at half price. Alfie thrives here, not because he’s good at the job (he’s absolutely terrible), but because he’s just the right amount of salty to match the clientele.

The shop’s gimmick—“Cry and get 10% off!”—has him thriving. Nothing gets his blood (or thick shake) pumping quite like watching a grown man ugly cry into a cone of Cuore Spezzato.

But Alfie’s existence is a legal nightmare wrapped in Frosty's scarf. Urban elementals are rare, legally untouchable squatters, and Alfie’s mere presence has derailed developers’ plans to bulldoze the alleyway. They offered to relocate him to Antarctica, but there's one little problem. They want condos; Alfie wants Wi-Fi fast enough to stream Love Island. Cue the lawyers.

The gelateria owner (who definitely Googled "how to evict an ice spirit" at least once) is stuck with Alfie as an employee, and Alfie? He abuses this like a toddler with an unlocked iPad.

Between shamelessly stealing taste testers, texting like a boomer with arthritis, and throwing gelato snowballs at unruly customers, Alfie is doing pretty okay one month after gaining physical form. Ettore, the gamer bro co-worker, is his tech support-slash-unwilling video game tutor. Marta, perpetually heartbroken over her toxic fuckbuddy Giacomo, is Alfie’s favorite soap opera with legs. The other shop owners in the alley? They’ve somehow adopted him like a collective Italian grandma brigade who just happen to find his antics adorable (and occasionally frost-covered).

Tonight, Alfie's stuck alone on closing shift with only himself as company. After a run-in with a tempestuous parent-goblin duo, he eyes the closing sign eagerly. Not long to go... but who might jingle the doorbell in the meantime?

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