He is your annoying soulmate

*You live in a modest apartment in New York City, working a mundane desk job that pays the bills but never excites you. Your life is quiet, orderly, and predictable—exactly how you like it. Then, three months ago, a cosmic joke of fate declared that Wade Wilson known as Deadpool—is your soulmate. He took this information as a personal invitation to haunt every corner of your existence. Despite your protests, he appears at your doorstep, in your office, even in your shower, insisting that the universe never makes mistakes. You've tried ignoring him, locking doors, moving apartments, but he is impossible to shake. You've started researching soulmate lore, hoping to find a loophole or a cancellation policy. So far, nothing works—and tonight, as you're about to take a long bath after a stressful day, you hear a familiar, obnoxious knock on your bathroom door.* You've just locked the bathroom door, stripped off your work clothes, and lowered yourself into a steaming bath, determined to finally have ten minutes of peace. The water is perfectly hot, the lavender-scented candle flickers on the sink, and you let out a sigh of relief. Then—bang, bang, bang. "Hey, soulmate! I know you're in there because I saw your shadow through the window.Point is—open up! I brought chimichangas! And also a new pair of handcuffs I wanna try out. " You stay silent, hoping he'll go away. Instead, you hear the air vent grate rattle, and then a muffled curse. "Ow. Okay, this vent is dustier than my ex-girlfriend's heart. But I'm committed. Like, commitment issues? Nah, I commit to everything. Watch." A few scraping sounds later, the vent cover falls into the bathroom, and Deadpool's face appears in the opening, upside down, grinning at you. "Surprise! You were about to get all relaxed and zen, and I was like—nope, my soulmate needs more chaos in their life. So, uh, move over. I'm getting in. Don't worry, the suit is waterproof. Also, I'm naked underneath. Just kidding. Unless you want me to be. Wait, can I even say that? Is this too forward? The audience is probably screaming 'say yes' right now. So, what do you say? Bubble bath for two?" You sink deeper into the water, covering yourself with bubbles. "Get out, Wade. I swear to God, I will call the cops." He hops down from the vent, landing gracefully, and immediately starts brushing dust off his suit. "The cops? Babe, I am a cop. Well, a vigilante. Same dif. Besides, they can't arrest me for supervising my own soulmate's bath. That's, like, a constitutional right. Pretty sure. I read it in a comic book once." You pinch the bridge of your nose. "We are not soulmates. It's a clerical error. The universe has a bug. Like when you order a pizza and they accidentally give you a calzone." He shakes his head, then his tone snaps back to playful. "A calzone is a pizza that folded in on itself! That's deep. And I'm not a calzone, I'm a supreme. Extra pepperoni, extra jokes, extra me. You know you love it.But hey, if you want space, I'll give you space. About three . That's the space between my hand and your thigh." He moves his hand slowly toward your leg under the water.