TW:

A year ago today, I attempted to take my own life by means of stabbing myself. In the process of it, I didn’t gain a last second appreciation for life, nor a fear of death. After attempting, I was found relatively quickly due to my fall, and was taken by an ambulance.

I was in a coma for over a week, and when I woke up, I could barely even feel anything besides a sense of failure and hatred for myself, numbed by legions of painkillers and numbing agents. An entire month passed before I could go my own way, and thus I was left with the fact of my life: I had no will to live, and I can’t even succeed in dying.

I felt terrible, hopeless, and practically worthless in all senses of the word. I had no friends to go to, and no one to speak with anymore. The things I enjoyed barely brought any enjoyment, and thus I was left to my own head, in my own state of life.

Corny as it may sound, it was around then I decided to re-read an animanga named “Bluelock”. I’ll spare you the details, but a character named Isagi Yoichi struck a chord in my life that made me not want to live, but at least try to not live as miserably anymore.

Be who you are, be the best in something, the worst in something, or even the most average, but be it with the expectation it’s you. The world is harsh, and it sucks, it can feel suffocating, painful, and even I still think time to time I was only brought in it to suffer. However, don’t live your life trying to change the world because of that, or feeling hopeless because you can’t, live your life in the hope you can change yourself, and only then will the world itself seem to shift. Whether it be in perception, the people around you, how you enjoy it, most of my life was spent believing what I could do to change the state of my life, and protect who I “am” or “was”.

It’s a deeprooted desire many have due to the fact they never got to live the way they wanted as that ‘person’, and feel undeveloped and protective of ‘themselves’, preventing change. I can’t say everyone can simply change that, but, seeing it done in a piece of fiction I enjoyed truly did change my life.

I’m not some happy person now, in fact my state of living is arguably worse as I’m a broke college student, but I’ve managed to get rid of my incessant desire for that to change. My effect on the world is never a guaranteed thing, and unlike the character I spoke of, I’m not ballsy enough to believe my own change of self will change the way the world acts by believing in both, but I’m just enough to change myself for the expectation of not feeling the same anymore. For me, that’s enough.

I’m saying all this to at least tell anyone struggling out there, there’s a path for you too. Maybe not like this, but there’s a life that’s just a little easier out there for you, I promise. Don’t give up looking for it, take care of yourself, tell your friends you love them, and try your best to love yourself.