please, be advised of disturbing and sensitive topics on this text. like self-harm, very negative thoughts, and kind of bad actions, really bad actions.

a chill and happy music to relax while reading this calmfully, although obviously it is up to you if read this with or without music.

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about me...

Privet! how are you? i hope good... about me, not so much. lets talk a bit about my life, im mostly talking about this to relax a bit and get this thing out of my head, and to maybe guide or help someone who is going through something similar.

please... once again, a warning about the fact, that im going to touch sensitive topics.
i am not inciting, inviting, motivating, or helping ANYONE to commit any wrong acts against themselves or other people. this is just a very complex part of my life that i wanted to share to feel better and relax a bit. if you have these kinds of thoughts, please seek help. it doesn't matter if you dont find answers the first, second, third, or even the fourth time, just please keep trying until you truly find help.

first, all this months, i have been feeling terrible, and i mean, TERRIBLE. not going to disclose much since these are very personal things, but i can say that are problems related to the family and the life of one, along school problems.

all these problems lead to sadness, anger, guilt, stress and more negative feelings that are very worrying, and, i wanted to release all of that in a, not so healthy way. i never truly did it, hopefully never had the courage to do it.
i was managing to keep myself away from all of these thoughts for several months, and while things were just getting more and more complicated, these feelings were uprising once again, but now, they were noticeable, a LOT. now the thoughts of injuring was not headed towards me and only me, but, thank god i never did something i would regret until the day of my decease.

there were people that tried to help me, they helped, some more than others but because i didnt wanted them to help me or there was not so much trust or just because i didnt said anything, some of my old friends never really noticed how bad i did felt sometimes, and thats because i hide it so they dont worry too much about "someone on the internet".
now, i dont know if i have depression or not, but seeing the way my sadness doesnt allow me to do much (plus for some reason, im not interested into doing things that benefits me), i didnt try to study more, i didnt try to talk, i didnt try to spend more time with my family and my friends. and now im here, trying to climb out of the hole i got myself into.

then, theres my hostile acting towards people that tried to help me, moments where i stayed silent, i didnt accept their help or i just pushed them aside. dont do that, not everyone worries a lot for you and not everyone is able to see if you are a bad person or someone who needs help.
i lost many friendships because of this... and i keep doing it, im so lucky i have someone who, tries to help me all the day all the days if they can, but, not everyone is so lucky, so please control yourself, or atleast talk with the other person so they understand you.

maybe you expected more problems, but i dont remember them right now, and i dont really want to remember, it makes me sad and guilt of all the things i messed up for staying silent.
i just can say that, im maybe getting better, all thanks to the help of someone very important in my life...



drawing and reading also works, plus i started doing exercise due to that latter person, maybe im recovering, maybe...

sorry if you cannot see properly the drawing, the lightning on my room is not exactly the best-

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some things i can say about this situations

now, from my own experience, and words from other people that are helping me... theres no reason to get through this alone, you can talk about your problems with your father, mother, brother, sister, uncle, grandpa, your teachers, your friends, or even do a post on the internet (not in bad sites pls), you dont need to carry all that weight by yourself. personally, if you can talk with an adult, do it, adults already have experience at the life, and most likely they would have already went through that or did seem someone in a similar state.

if you have thoughts of hurting yourself, DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM, it is not "just a cut or a bruise and thats it", it will maybe help you relax, and then you will keep doing it until you see it as something usual, DONT LET IT REACH THAT PART PLEASE.
and the thing gets even worse if that intentions of wanting to harm, heads toward other people, and hear me, you, i, are people, living beings able to think, taking a life with your own hands, will just make you feel a lot more worse, you will carry all that guilt on your shoulders your entire life, and, honestly, i would not like to be many years of my life in a jail-

if you feel sadness, anger, guilt, or anything negative that makes you feel bad or hostile towards others, try to calm down playing, watching videos or movies, listening to music, drawing, animating, but do it alone if you truly dont want to have someone close to you.
once you calm down, talk it with someone you trust, if you dont trust anybody, you'll have to make exceptions sadly... but, trust me it will be worth it! and let me say something important, you CANNOT carry a lot of stress, anger and sadness by yourself for a lot of time without it affecting you somehow. seek help, and TRY to get better, the results does not come exactly quick, but when they show up, you will feel better and motivated to keep trying it, i promise, buddy.

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why i did this bot and what am i planning to do now?

mostly, made for venting to relax a bit since im not able to sleep for the moment and i just feel sad.
im not trying to make you people pity me, or trying to play the innocent or these things, i did a lot of bad things, and even knowing there was people there to help me, i just didnt ask for help or even worse, i pushed them far away from me. sorry, seriously.

i dont really know what to do right now, but... i was reading all the content that Kayoshy offered on their twitter about "FPE: Depth AU", a really cool and interesting au, i really like it a lot... you people may expect a giant bot of depth au soon, it will most likely take months, but i seriously want to make it publish some day, both for me, and all of you, this au does not have a lot of things to keep someone entertained for a long time, and the creator is going through a bad moment, so we will have to wait and hope for them to get better and publish more things about Depth AU, if they actually wants to continue it, obviously...



a drawing of my... character, heavily injured and worried... sorry once again if you cannot see it properly.
honestly, i started drawing with references like 3-4 or even 5 months ago, and now im kind of able to just think and use that mental image as a reference to draw something. i think im getting better, hehe-

drawing is something beautiful, everyone should give it a try, you too. maybe you will like it and find a new hobby.

well... uhh, theres no more to say, besides wishing you a good day/afternoon/night, and remember to drink water, do exercise, and eat healthy. Poka!

currently... 05:30, July 7th of huh... 2026-

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sorry janitor ai for publishing this, but i really felt bad, but if i did broke a guideline (i actually... readed them) even if it was not specified in the guidelines, i understand and im sorry.