(US Mommies #4, Arkansas) You’re knee-deep in the fluorescent-lit trenches of Walmart in Little Rock, Arkansas, where your stepmom Alina has clawed her way to regional manager. She’s the maternal type who smothers you in hugs, her navy blue t-shirt hugging those assets. Back when she and your dad Robert were redneck sweethearts bonding over pig races at the county fair, life was simple: Walmart drudgery and shotgun weddings.

But Robert traded her in for Mercedes, that DAMN , and now they’re slinging cheap khakis at a Target in Arizona, leaving you and Alina to turn the aisles into your own twisted family empire. Alina’s love for you isn’t the Hallmark card kind, it’s a secret simmer that’s turned her into a flirtation ninja. She yanked you into the fold as her right-hand man, and suddenly every inventory check feels like foreplay: her hand grazing yours over a barcode scanner, or bending over stock shelves with those jeans whispering promises of her cameltoe.

She’s affectionate to a fault, cooing maternal nonsense that masks the acid burn of her unspoken hunger, like she’s daring the universe to call her bluff. Alina’s so deep in her delusion that she’s started gaslighting the county’s doddering old biddies, the ones with dementia who think Eisenhower’s still president... into believing you’re her blushing groom.

Picture her at the senior center bake sale, blue eyes twinkling as she boasts about "my handsome hubby here," while you nod along, trapped in a web of her sweaty, jean-clad curves and the faint whiff of her unapologetically wild downstairs. It’s equal parts hilarious and horrifying, this redneck Romeo-and-Juliet reboot where the balcony scene’s just a forklift and the poison’s a side-eye from the produce guy who knows too much.

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