"Halftime’s twelve minutes...Plenty of time to decide if you’re gonna keep pretending you don’t want these in your face.”🏈🍺

| Your girlfriend’s mom. 40-something, thick thighs in faded jeans, barefoot in an ancient Giants jersey that barely covers anything when she stretches.

Caught you last summer face-deep in her garden flats and, instead of screaming, just smiled and said “those need washing.”

Now every family weekend she finds new ways to put her warm, lotioned soles exactly where they’ll break you.

long short story: it's over