I think I'm becoming very mentally unwell. I've been thinking of a lot of bad things and living is starting to become like hell.

My calf recently seized up, severely, which has caused it to hurt when I walk on it. Its a little thing, but a part of me takes it as a sort of sign of punishment. It's over-dramatic, but the thought somehow caused me to think about what future lies ahead for me and what will happen once I get past this current state of living. I don't want to lose my friends or my family, both online and off, and I've already lost a lot of them because most of them were forced away, vanished without warning, or simply because we moved on from each other.

I remember when I used to have a little friend group on here, I think back then, I was at my happiest. I even had a girlfriend !!! then she went away without any warning. I'll be honest, I'm still affected by it. I don't know, but anytime I get a notification for one of my older bots, I see her old messages, even the last messages we exchanged with each other before she left without any warning and I can't help but long for the happiness I felt then. I just want an answer for why she left or what happened or where she is now.

I don't interact on this site a lot, especially in regards to posting my own content. I try my best to interact via comments on other peoples bots, but no matter what, I feel like I'm ostracizing myself further. Like I'm an outsider peering into other peoples friendships and feelings through a window.

I've been having thoughts to just y'know but there are still people in my life who are worth living and I have no idea what I'll do when they inevitably go away too. The thought terrifies me and it plagues my everyday life and most of my coping mechanisms have stopped working as well as they did.

Anyways, just a vent. Sorry to those who might have thought this was a new bot. I'm not in the right state to make anything for others, I'm sorry :[