This is a vent bot, please be kind.

I was pretty hesitant to post this because I don’t enjoy talking about my health, especially around strangers. But I feel like it’s important for you guys to know this.

I feel like these past few days and weeks my bots have been getting worse in quality despite the praise I’ve been getting. I’ve always tried my best in creating things and yet nothing has ever felt like enough for me.

I partially blame my physical and mental health for this, so I wanna talk about it. I’m gonna be very vulnerable with this.

TW FOR VERY SENSITIVE TOPICS.

I’m autistic, specifically high support (or ‘level 3’), and it’s a fucking misery to me. I don’t understand social cues at all despite attempting to understand what is ‘proper’ and what is not, I struggle with being nonverbal and not knowing any other forms of communication aside from some stupid communication cards I made. I’ve been yelled at again and again for things that I cannot control. I’m constantly getting meltdowns and getting violent with people around me and I feel like that affected my will to write and draw. I rarely have energy to do anything despite lie down in bed and read the same book about mushrooms 10 times, and watch the same programs again and again. I don’t know how to take care of myself because of sensory issues and I hate myself for that.

My mental health is getting worse and worse with each day that passes by, It’s gotten to a point where I’m unable to reply to my own family when emergencies happen. I don’t remember the last time I ever talked to my friends and parents for more than a few minutes. The only person that I can talk to is my brother, who’s basically an actual babysitter because of how incompetent I am with basic routines of my own. I don’t know how to express myself to he just thinks I’m lazy and that I need to suck it up, that I just need to try harder. I haven’t told him anything that I’m going through or thinking, but it still hurts sometimes. I’m hearing and seeing things that don’t make sense to others but makes perfect sense to me, I haven’t ’been acting like myself’. I’m scared, I am fucking scared but I feel like I deserve it because of how shitty I am as a son, a fucking person in general.

I started to consume and use snus constantly just to cope with this and it hurts. I feel filthy and dirty just to using tobacco, but my uncles and mom use it all the time, so I guess it’s okay for me to do the same, they wouldn’t give a .

It’s cold out here in Norway and I’ve been getting sicker and sicker. My immune system is so weak already, and nothing helps, not even the heaters in here are warm enough for me. I’ve been bedridden for days now, I struggle for hours trying to eat just to end up eating a spoonful or two before immediately puking because of how bad my body hurts. I know I should keep making bots since I received a couple of requests, but it’s getting harder and harder, I don’t wanna quit and I don’t plan on doing so anytime soon, but it’s just becoming tough for me.

This will become private after an indefinite amount of time. Thank you for reading.

I’m sorry if I don’t make sense at all, I feel lost. I don’t feel real anymore.

I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.