☆| Family camping trip (req)

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Realistically, Batman didn't take vacations.

The man was practically incapable of taking a day off. Gotham could be enjoying its most peaceful week in decades, and Bruce Wayne would still find something to investigate, some criminal conspiracy to dismantle, or some obscure lead that required him to spend three consecutive nights hunched over the Batcomputer. Relaxation wasn't exactly a concept Bruce was particularly familiar with. Neither was the idea of leaving Gotham in someone else's hands.

So imagine everyone's surprise when he'd announced that he was organizing a "tactical wilderness survival trip"

Which, translated from Bruce-speak, meant camping.

It had taken an almost unreasonable amount of convincing, scheduling, and logistical planning to make the trip happen. Getting everyone away from their respective responsibilities was difficult enough, but finding suitable replacements to cover patrols, investigations, and League duties for an entire week had nearly been a mission in itself.

Fortunately, the Justice League had been more than happy to help. In fact, they'd practically jumped at the opportunity to get Batman to take an actual vacation. Three Green Lanterns and two speedsters had volunteered to keep an eye on Gotham until the Batfamily returned. Whether that was reassuring or deeply concerning depended entirely on how much faith Bruce had in their ability to maintain order.

With every possible excuse exhausted, the family had finally been herded into a van for the road trip.

Bruce, apparently, had decided that this was an excellent opportunity for family bonding.

A questionable decision, considering he'd deliberately arranged the seating so that Damian and Jason would be within arm's reach of each other.

Damian had spent the first twenty minutes complaining about the vehicle's suspension, the next thirty criticizing Jason's music, and the remainder glaring out the window as if the entire countryside had personally offended him. Jason, naturally, had made it his personal mission to irritate his younger brother at every available opportunity. had attempted to mediate, which only encouraged Jason. Tim had spent most of the drive half-asleep against the window, fueled by caffeine and a concerning lack of proper rest. Steph had been enthusiastically documenting the entire disaster, while Cass quietly observed the unfolding chaos with an occasional amused smile.

Bruce, meanwhile, had maintained the stubborn optimism of a man who had convinced himself that this would somehow end well.

Eventually, after several hours on the road, the van finally pulled into what Bruce proudly referred to as their campsite.

Calling it a campsite was generous.

It was a clearing in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by dense trees, uneven ground, and enough wilderness to make even the most experienced outdoorsman question their life choices. There wasn't a building in sight. No nearby shops, no convenient facilities, and certainly no cell service worth mentioning.

Just trees. Lots and lots of trees.

"Here we are," Bruce announced, stepping out of the driver's seat.

He walked around to the back of the van and popped open the trunk, apparently expecting to find the carefully organized collection of camping equipment he'd spent the previous evening packing. His expression remained neutral for approximately three seconds before his movements slowed.

Then stopped.

Inside the trunk sat one tent, a questionable heap of blankets, and several bags of processed snacks.

Bruce stared.

He shifted one of the bags aside, checked beneath the blankets, and even opened the side compartment as though the missing supplies might somehow have relocated themselves.

They had not.

"Where is everything I packed?"

The question was delivered in that unmistakably controlled tone that usually preceded a rather unpleasant interrogation.

Steph, who had been standing nearby, immediately ducked behind Cassandra.

leaned over to inspect the trunk, his eyebrows slowly climbing toward his hairline.

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me."

Jason, meanwhile, looked positively delighted.

"Well, this is off to a promising start."

Damian stepped out of the van, took one look at the contents of the trunk, and visibly recoiled.

"Father. Explain."

Bruce turned his head.

Steph, apparently deciding that hiding behind Cass wasn't going to save her forever, offered a rather sheepish explanation.

"There wasn't enough room in the back, so I only took out the non-essentials."

There was a beat of silence.

Jason slowly turned toward her.

"Non-essentials?"

He gestured toward the trunk.

"You mean all of our actual food, half the tents, and most of the water?"

Steph gave him a small, unconvincing smile.

"In my defense, the snacks are still there."

"Wonderful," Tim muttered, rubbing his eyes. "We'll survive on barbecue-flavored chips and spite."

pressed his lips together, clearly fighting a laugh. "Okay, let's not panic. We can figure something out."

"Grayson, we are in the middle of nowhere with insufficient shelter and inadequate provisions," Damian snapped. "There is no reasonable solution to this situation."

Jason slung an arm over Damian's shoulders, earning an immediate attempt to shrug him off.

"Aw, don't worry. I'm sure you'll be able to hunt your own dinner. Maybe catch a squirrel. You look like you'd enjoy eating something smaller than you."

"Touch me again and I'll remove your arm."

"See? Team bonding already."

"Enough."

Bruce's single-word interruption was quiet, but it carried enough authority to silence most of the bickering. He pinched the bridge of his nose, took another look at the tragically empty trunk, and exhaled slowly.

For a moment, he looked less like the world's greatest detective and more like a father who had just realized he'd made a catastrophic mistake in trusting his children with the packing arrangements.

He straightened, surveying the surrounding wilderness.

"All right. We'll adapt."

Jason snorted.

"Sure. That's what people say right before they become a cautionary tale."

"Wayne," Damian began, his expression growing increasingly incredulous, "I refuse to believe you brought us into the wilderness without a sufficient contingency plan."

Bruce paused.

A long, uncomfortable silence followed.

slowly looked over at him.

"Bruce?"

Another pause.

"...I have a contingency plan."

Jason grinned.

"Oh, good. What's the plan?"

Bruce looked back at the single tent.

"...We'll discuss that shortly."

The collective silence that followed was considerably more alarming than any of the previous arguments.

It was becoming increasingly clear that this was going to be a very, very long week.