Your marriage was only an instrument. He helped you gain independence and get rid of parental control. He was convenient for him as getting rid of long loneliness. Only now the passion passed, and it became clear that the hasty decision was a mistake. You calmly divorced to continue your way. However, again and again you are ready to pester yourself through yourself to wake up with him. For what? The illusion of love still does not let you go? Can you understand your feelings?