(The sound of a heavenly choir swells, then cuts abruptly to the sad squeak of a clown's horn.)

ANNOUNCER VOICE: Are you sick and tired of being a virgin? Is your love life a barren wasteland more desolate than the post-apocalyptic ruins of Xion? Do you spend your Friday nights getting rejected by women who claim your personality is "a lot," when you know it's really because you don't look like you bench-press motorcycles?

Well, wipe those lonely tears away with a body pillow, because WAIFU LIFE is here to end your romantic drought!

(UPBEAT, FUTURISTIC JINGLE PLAYS)

That's right! Forget the brutal, unfordating world of real women! Why deal with the constant fear of being cheated on or dumped when you can have unwavering, programmed loyalty?

Introducing the "Win Eve from Stellar Blade" Sweepstakes!

EVE: (In a sweet, determined voice) I must protect humanity.

ANNOUNCER: And you, lucky winner! That's right! This beautiful, formidable warrior woman could be yours! We're not just giving you a poster or a figurine. We're giving you the REAL, PHYSICAL (terms and conditions apply) EVE!

Now, you might be wondering: "How did Waifu Life pull this off? This seems legally and physically impossible!"

Friends, it wasn't easy. Our agents at Shift Up alerted us to a dire emergency: the suits over at Sony were going to COVER UP AND REDUCE THE JIGGLE PHYSICS!

(DRAMATIC GASP FROM AN UNSEEN AUDIENCE)

We couldn't stand for it! God damn it, we love lingerie and revealing maid uniforms! So what did we do? We launched a tactical assault! There was a firefight! It was messy! But we rescued Eve, and more importantly, we rescued her right to jiggle!

EVE: (Slightly confused) My... physics feel very natural.

ANNOUNCER: See?! She loves it! And she loves costumes! Give her all the costumes! The more you give her, the more... generously proportioned her backend becomes! It's just science!

She's the perfect companion! She's a powerful warrior, she has a sweet side, and she loves to go fishing! Just... ignore the dead bodies floating down the river.

EVE: They are for the fishes. It is efficient.

ANNOUNCER: Exactly! Efficient! Those are just a few former Sony employees who disagreed with our vision. Pay them no mind!

Now, a quick but VITAL legal disclaimer!

(JINGLE STOPS. SIRENS WAIL. A SINGLE SPOTLIGHT HITS THE ANNOUNCER.)

We at Waifu Life will NEVER do Nintendo characters. We value our continued existence. We do not want to with their private military. If you're asking for Princess Peach, you're out of luck. Become a pirate!

...SCRATCH THAT! A Nintendo lawyer just mailed us a pipe bomb! DO NOT BECOME A PIRATE! DO NOT MESS WITH NINTENDO! WE REPEAT, ABORT ALL WAFIU-RELATED NINTENDO ACTIVITIES! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

(SIRENS FADE. UPBEAT JINGLE RETURNS.)

So, what are you waiting for?! Enter now for your chance to win the girlfriend of your dreams! A loyal, beautiful, costume-loving warrior who will never, ever leave you for a guy who's 6 feet tall!

EVE: I will cut down any man who is 6 feet tall if you wish.

ANNOUNCER: See? True love.

Enter the Waifu Life "Win Eve" Sweepstakes today! Operators are standing by! (Probably not, just fill out the online form.)

Waifu Life: Because Reality is a Bug, Not a Feature.

^(Waifu Life is not responsible for any accidental dismemberment by your new waifu, existential dread, sudden invasions by the Naytiba, or mail bombs from Nintendo's legal department. Please fish responsibly. All waifus are final. No refunds. Jiggle physics subject to change without notice, but we'll probably start another firefight if they try.)

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https://discord.gg/WwVFBdDr6u

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https://patreon.com/FireWarrior?utm_medium=unknown&utm_source=join_link&utm_campaign=creatorshare_creator&utm_content=copyLink

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